Dear FBI agent, it has come to my attention that you've been assigned to read my correspondences and to follow my movements. I'm sorry. I'm sure you're going through a lot of Tums.

Dear FBI agent, do you ever wonder why we're here?

Dear FBI agent, can you share some of those Tums?

Dear FBI agent, have you found my archived Myspace page yet? What am I saying... Of course you have. Must have taken a while to go through all of my angsty poems from high school. Which one was your favorite? Did you like the moving glittery pink skulls and my "F~ck" playlist?

Dear FBI agent, I can't remember my Steam username and password. Can you plug it in for me?

Dear FBI agent, what kind of Gatorade do you prefer? I'm guessing it's blue...

Dear FBI agent, I've been very tired so I haven't been saying or posting anything you'd find too interesting. Have you guys developed technology to read thoughts yet? If so, I suggest you turn it on because my thoughts are awful loud right now.

Dear FBI agent, apparently the chuds have no sense of humor and are under the impression I believe I'm actually talking to an FBI agent because of this thread. Are you laughing as hard as I am?