i want to get this off my chest then delete it in a few minutes lol pls bear with me: i've come into the conclusion that the things i've been looking forward to this year (internship + getting my certificate and actually finish fashion school) will not happen anytime soon

so i was contemplating if i should wait for the pandemic to be over/for the fucking governm3nt to end it or just go look for a job now and do my internship later and i have decided to go to the latter direction. however it was not an easy thought as i was facing-

-hesitation and doubts and trying to see things in a realistic standpoint while sorting my thoughts out bc this delay was kinda my fault too? i was not aware that i have to go to measures first before proceeding to look for a company/brand to render my ojt hours

while i managed to find one on the late part of february me and my friend find out the major red flags on the first day of my supposed internship so i decided to just...not do it. and i opened up to the student affairs head and she wasn't impressed and yeah she told me on that +

day that i have to do the said certain things before i actually fucking start so basically i wasted my day + i called the company to say that i'm not gonna continue with them anymore bc the school doesn't want to do so. and that was like...what...1st week of march?

which means...i'm starting from scratch and i'm still from that fucking scratch thanks to this pandemic. i honestly loathed myself for being so slow in the past few months and i'm left with no choice but to hate myself for it lol

right now, with the way my life during this rough time has turned out thru the podcast, my confidence and motivation started to gain back. but i'm still sad that it had to go this way. anyhow, i'm (still) trying to do my best even in this difficult time of our lives rn.

i don't know what's next for me right now career-wise and emotional + mental wise but hey, i'm gonna look for a job right now. also my mom knows that i'm doing a podcast but she's open to me doing anything to make a living. so that's that

anyway idk if this thread make absolute sense but if you read through everything thank you for bearing with this shit i'm just letting u guys know how i feel right now. my head is still cloudy, tho. i love you guys.