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Effective listening: Why should I care, and how do I do it?
We& #39;re often taught how to get other people to listen to us, but rarely how to properly understand what other people are saying. https://twitter.com/Winwardo/status/1307063429346332673">https://twitter.com/Winwardo/...
We& #39;re often taught how to get other people to listen to us, but rarely how to properly understand what other people are saying. https://twitter.com/Winwardo/status/1307063429346332673">https://twitter.com/Winwardo/...
This thread is mostly for how to listen to someone going through a rough time, but it& #39;s all applicable much wider in relationships and at work generally.
First up, the important golden rule of listening:
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="✨" title="Funken" aria-label="Emoji: Funken"> It Is Not About You https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="✨" title="Funken" aria-label="Emoji: Funken">
Someone has come to you, maybe for a vent, maybe for advice, but from their point of view, they care about themselves and how they& #39;re feeling right now.
Someone has come to you, maybe for a vent, maybe for advice, but from their point of view, they care about themselves and how they& #39;re feeling right now.
The classic here is dentist stories - no matter how bad yours is, someone *always* has a worse story about the dentist.
To the first person sharing their story though, having a 15 minute clean might be just as bad *for them* as the person who had 3 simultaneous root canals or whatever
So the phrase we come back to when taking any action when listening (such as offering advice or asking a deeper question) is "In service of whom?"
Are you asking a question to help the other person dig deeper themselves, or is it because you& #39;re trying to figure out which of your shared colleagues said something rude so you can have some justified judgement against them?
To really listen, only take actions that you truly believe
a) helps demonstrate you& #39;re listening and actually care
or
b) lets the person talking really hear their own words and what they& #39;re saying out loud
a) helps demonstrate you& #39;re listening and actually care
or
b) lets the person talking really hear their own words and what they& #39;re saying out loud
It& #39;s amazing how often when someone asks for advice, they don& #39;t actually want advice - they just want someone to hear what they& #39;re saying and respond with "That sounds like a normal, human thing to think."
Right, with that out of the way, actual https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="💫" title="Symbol für Benommenheit" aria-label="Emoji: Symbol für Benommenheit"> Effective Listening Technique #1 https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="💫" title="Symbol für Benommenheit" aria-label="Emoji: Symbol für Benommenheit">
Shut up.
Just, shut up. Don& #39;t talk.
Shut up.
Just, shut up. Don& #39;t talk.
This is surprisingly hard for people to learn to do. I& #39;ve had so many people tell me they can& #39;t listen because they& #39;re spending too much time thinking about what question to ask next, or don& #39;t know what to say.
Saying nothing is often a deliberate choice you have to make.
Saying nothing is often a deliberate choice you have to make.
Now, I& #39;m not saying don& #39;t make any noise. Affirmative noises like saying "Uhuh" or "Okay" let the other party know you& #39;re paying attention. But that& #39;s it really.
When they stop talking, you stay quiet too - so often, the talker actually needs an extra 30 seconds or so to gather their thoughts and start the next thing to say. But if you talked in that time, you can derail that.
Get comfortable with silence. This, combined with "In service of whom?" are key.
(Of course there are caveats to this, don& #39;t be a frustrating silent brick wall!)
(Of course there are caveats to this, don& #39;t be a frustrating silent brick wall!)
Effective Listening Technique #2:
Repeat their key phrases.
This ties back to "I don& #39;t know what to ask or say!"
Just repeat the important part of what they& #39;ve said.
An easy one is to pick the last few words, but turned into a question.
Repeat their key phrases.
This ties back to "I don& #39;t know what to ask or say!"
Just repeat the important part of what they& #39;ve said.
An easy one is to pick the last few words, but turned into a question.
e.g.
Talker: "There& #39;s just so much going on. I& #39;m constantly stressed, my boss keeps piling work onto me, and he never listens to my suggestions."
Listener: [having waited a bit] "... He never listens?"
Talker: "There& #39;s just so much going on. I& #39;m constantly stressed, my boss keeps piling work onto me, and he never listens to my suggestions."
Listener: [having waited a bit] "... He never listens?"
There& #39;s no judgement in the question. It& #39;s the exact words they use, and it often lets them go deeper or expand in a way they hadn& #39;t considered themselves yet.
An alternative to this is paraphrasing in an objective non-judgemental manner. This is to clarify your own understanding, and to let the listener safely correct you if needed.
The phrase "It sounds like [X]" is magical here
Listener: "It sounds like your boss is a real source of stress."
Talker: "Yeah! Well, not always, he was better a few months ago, but [... etc]"
Listener: "It sounds like your boss is a real source of stress."
Talker: "Yeah! Well, not always, he was better a few months ago, but [... etc]"
Effective Listening Technique #3:
Challenge your own views and assumptions - but not theirs.
This is not to say you should never challenge incorrect views, but if you are acting in the role of a listener, remember this ishttps://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="✨" title="Funken" aria-label="Emoji: Funken"> Not About You https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="✨" title="Funken" aria-label="Emoji: Funken">
Challenge your own views and assumptions - but not theirs.
This is not to say you should never challenge incorrect views, but if you are acting in the role of a listener, remember this is
Oftentimes people need to vent and get all the emotion out, before they can have a more level headed view of where they might be wrong themselves.
Challenging your own views and assumptions can be as simple as noticing they& #39;re using a key word a lot. Let& #39;s use the semi-contrived example of the word "sanction".
In real conversations, specific jargon can cause these confusions.
In real conversations, specific jargon can cause these confusions.
Bad case:
Talker: "I just don& #39;t understand why project X was sanctioned!"
Listener: [assuming they mean sanctioned to mean "approved"] It& #39;s because the boss likes the project idea
Talker: [thinking, confused how that could possibly make any sense]
Talker: "I just don& #39;t understand why project X was sanctioned!"
Listener: [assuming they mean sanctioned to mean "approved"] It& #39;s because the boss likes the project idea
Talker: [thinking, confused how that could possibly make any sense]
Better case:
Talker: "I just don& #39;t understand why project X was sanctioned!"
Listener: [realising sanction can also mean "stopped, punished"] "What do you mean by & #39;the project was sanctioned& #39;?"
Talker: "As in, the project was shut down for no reason!"
Talker: "I just don& #39;t understand why project X was sanctioned!"
Listener: [realising sanction can also mean "stopped, punished"] "What do you mean by & #39;the project was sanctioned& #39;?"
Talker: "As in, the project was shut down for no reason!"
It& #39;s a little contrived, but reflects a very real common problem in listening.
Any time you hear someone use a word that is out of the ordinary, particularly if they repeat it a few times, make sure you both have a common definition for that word.
Any time you hear someone use a word that is out of the ordinary, particularly if they repeat it a few times, make sure you both have a common definition for that word.
