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Oh great, I love it when my father starts yelling at me in the middle of the night because I happened to need to be in the same room as him for five seconds to get something before I go to bed.
I swear he finds every little excuse he can to remind me that he never wanted me to be born and, ever since I was outed to him, purposely misgender me and laugh about it. I genuinely don't know why I still try and be nice to him.
He's said that I'm a mistake so many times that I ought to be used to it by now but it still hurts. It makes me feel like nothing about who I am or what I do actually matters to anyone. I know it's not the case but it's what I've been told my whole life.
I can't do things for me, I can only do things to try and make people believe that I'm worth existing, because maybe then I'll start thinking that I am. I've been trying for years to be someone that deserves to be loved but I still don't know how to be that or if I even can be.
I'm terrified of knowing that my entire existence is a waste of everyone's time and energy. I try to run from that and act like it isn't the case but he revels in the fact that I'm just a mistake, not even a person to him, and I don't even see myself as one a lot of the time.
I just wish that I was born to be loved, y'know? And maybe I've earned a place as someone in the world, but the fact that I've had it hammered in my head that I'm a worthless thing makes a lot of the joy I've felt feel undeserved.
I'm going to try and get some sleep, I apologize for this thread if you've read it, but I've had these feelings build-up for years at this point and tonight was a breaking point for me. Please don't forget that you're all wonderful people. <3
