It's been 5 years today since I successfully defended my dissertation at U of Dayton. I was still nursing our youngest & we had 3 kids under 5.

I get asked a lot: How did you do it? Lest you think it's just about personal responsibility & grit, here's a thread: 1/

1. My spouse is a true partner. He put his career on hold to be the full-time caregiver & household manager. The babies came with me to school for the 1st few months, then they stayed home with him. It was very hard, but we were always on the same team. 2/

2. We were able to buy a home close to the school. Zero commute & we had a $600/mo mortgage. We could to do this b/c we received some money from a life insurance policy my MIL had when she died. And our first home in TX sold for a good price (pre-2008 crash). 3/

3. We had financial help from extended family, who often paid for kids' clothes & birthday gifts & other extras. My mom helped pay for part-time pre-school once they were old enough. Our van, almost a requirement for 3 small kids, was a gift. 4/

4. My school provided good health insurance for its grad students & their families (regrettably, they no longer cover families). What wasn't covered by insurance was covered by Medicaid, for which we easily qualified w/ my stipend & his part-time ministry salary. 5/

5. For some of the time, we benefited from WIC & SNAP (which, BTW, has forever changed the way we think about "government handouts"). Despite making very little money, we never had to worry about having enough food for our kids. 6/

6. We had supportive church friends & colleagues who brought us meals, shared clothes, provided occasional babysitting, & offered moral support. We may have felt alone sometimes, but we were never actually alone. 7/

7. I had supportive profs who don't think a woman has to choose between her vocation as a scholar & her vocation as a mother. They never ceased to expect excellence, but they did so in a charitable way that respected my dignity & life circumstances. 8/

8. I applied for & received two summer research grants & a year-long dissertation fellowship, without which I could not have completed my research in a timely way (maybe not at all). 9/

9. I was given both a smart phone & a laptop. The smart phone was a lifeline. While my babies were nursing (which was often!), I wrote out notes for papers, planned classes, & read articles. I know it’s not romantic & it wasn’t good for my eyes or wrists, but it worked. 10/

10. Despite being very sleep deprived & living with a lot of stress, I remained relatively healthy, as did Ronnie & the kids. And we had a wide social safety net of family & friends to call upon in a time of need, so we'd never face catastrophe alone. 11/

So, how did I do it? I am NOT super woman. We must stop propagating these harmful myths. I did it like everyone else who succeeds at hard things (whether or not they admit it):

With some circumstantial advantages & a heck of a lot of help from my community. 12/