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Today marks a year to the day I got on a train to leave my marriage & to spend months trying to get my divorce. To say so much has happened in a year is an understatement. I have done so much reflecting and wanted to share some of the things that maybe haven’t been discussed. https://twitter.com/3hoodamm/status/1274689853758869504">https://twitter.com/3hoodamm/...
Although my divorce was inevitable and it was for the greater good. There have been times in the past year where I have questioned if I did the right thing, even though I know it was the only option. This all comes down to the many societal pressures surrounding women & marriage
I would gaslight myself like 70% of the time, to make excuses for him when he doesn’t even deserve a single ounce of khayr. The fact I can’t remember a single positive from the moment he insulted me in my white dress to the minute I got my divorce says alot.
If I had prior experience of any kind with the opposite gender then yes, those red flags would have been more visible but unfortunately I didn’t and thus it was easier to trust him with nothing to compare it to. Growing up I believed the notion of love only occurs after marriage
so I trusted that because it seemed like right. It wasn’t, as it made it easier for him to hide and to hold onto the ‘it will happen after’. However, it made it better for me as walking away I had absolutely no feelings towards him, just trauma & pain.
For the very long period of time we were engaged I still prayed isitkhara and it felt right. Which removes any doubt I could have in God’s plan. He wanted me to go through it and for whatever reason I cannot complain alhamdullah. We did all our background checks, I married a
‘religious’ man. Someone who ticked any box you could come up. I had an amazing relationship with his family. But when you’re used to living a second life, selective with what you share and perfecting this other persona then there was nothing I could have done to see it.
When you’re praised for being a strong woman, many narcissistic men take this to mean that you will be strong enough to bear the burdens of abuse, lies, manipulation, and betrayal on a whole spectrum. They will use it to diminish everything that can stand in their way.
Marriage isn’t a life binding contract and thats a blessing given to us by God. Girls weren’t created to continue over-coddling grown ass men who cannot comprehend the responsibility of marriage within the religion. They want the wife with little to zero changes in their lives.
Stop shaming divorce & divorcees so we can stop giving abusive, narcissistic, lying, irresponsible, cheating, thugs something to hold onto. Taking advantage of girls and believing they have to adapt and live through it as the other option is being a divorcee and who wants that.
You can know every sign of controlling and manipulative behaviour but still question it when you’re going through it. This is absolutely normal, as it is hard to believe it is happening to you when you are aware. A pattern will develop and you will lose touch of reality
but the dots will eventually connect and only you can get yourself out of it. Don’t compare your marriage to anyone elses, your friend might be okay with something that you aren’t and that is completely acceptable. It isn’t a one size fits all.
The hardest thing for me & probably only major effect on me has been my sense of self worth & self esteem. I’m working on it, some days I want to give up as the light at the end seems nonexistent. But life is a journey and there is no finish line when you’re working on yourself
When you have your truth, no one can take it from you. Everything you are feeling is valid, and you won’t have it all it figured out but it is your experience and your life. Do with it what you want. Not everyone will get it, or offer the support you need and thats okay aswell.
Family or friends who expect you to go back to being the girl you were before, its unrealistic. You can’t just slot back into your old life like nothing happened. Yes don’t let your experience define your life completely but don’t deny it room in the woman you are because of it
Ladies, please don’t let society make you think having a baby will change him or make the marriage better. Don’t do it please. If he couldn’t commit to you or the marriage, provide for you, doing everything you can to have a baby won’t change anything. He knows what he is doing.
Don’t let anyone romanticise struggle in the name of being a wife. Yes, a certain level of trials and hardships are natural but when you are doing the marriage alone and have completely lost yourself to sacrificing things then yes its too much.
You don’t owe a single person an explanation on why you chose to leave your marriage. Especially not men who approach who you after who want to know the why, so they can determine whether you are worthy of marriage and to lessen the blow of marrying a divorcee.
Anchor your life, morals & approaching events & experiences in Islam. So you can have ease of mind & conviction in your decisions and what happens. Being firm in your religion leaves no room for anyone to make you doubt yourself. Remember the religion is for you & not against you
Your marriage should be a place you can escape the oppressive pressures of society, the institutions and the power tools in place that make life harder for women. It shouldn’t be contributing to them or bringing you more anger at the world & mental exhaustion.
My experience has highlighted the grotesqueness of our realities as Muslim women. How we are moulded to fit a mans life, to deal with the unbearable, to justify our decisions & be ready to be policed & ridiculed. Placing the onus on women for the responsbility of both genders
“Nobody ever died of Divorce” https://twitter.com/3hoodaMM/status/1246434960292093952">https://twitter.com/3hoodaMM/...
