In a stunning new development Matt Hancock announces a massive extension to the testing programme. Tests will be carried out by each household on the neighbours living to their right. The test will involve use of a handy questionnaire which can be downloaded from the Serco ..

.. website free for only £35. Questions include name, address etc & then ‘have you got Covid?’ If the answer is ‘no’ the test can be balled up & tossed in the garbage, if ‘yes’ then:

• the infected person is issued with an on the spot fine of £10,000 using a special form ..

.. (free from Serco for only £35).
• their recent contacts must be noted down
• the questioner has 2 days to trace each contact, which must be done in person (note this may involve foreign travel)
• all contacts successfully located will be issued ..

.. with fines as above
• the contacts of contacted persons must be traced too.
• the results must be delivered by hand to a designated landfill site, details of which will be available free from Serco for £12. Note that due to anticipated demand, the site may not be ..

.. the nearest & may not be in the UK either.
• to ensure the system is robust & effective, each person carrying out testing will have a power of forced entry to neighbours’ & contacts’ homes exercisable at any time except when bake off is on TV
• the govt. relies on the ..

.. common sense of the British people to make the new system work
• the following are wholly exempt from the scheme: the monarchy, all MPs & their wives & mistresses, Conservative party donors, Russians, Baroness Harding, Dominic Cummings, Professor Sikora & ..
..

.. such other persons as may be designated from time to time.
• the scheme comes into force 10 minutes from now.
• Matt Hancock is in charge of assigning blame should anything go wrong.

The End