Thread by @RevanVarexakyta, I'm worst at night when I'm alone and left to my own [...]

I& #39;m worst at night when I& #39;m alone and left to my own devices. I can& #39;t let myself fall back to them. I can& #39;t go through more use and abuse.

Missing them but I& #39;m scared, I& #39;ve learned things I wish I hadn& #39;t, I& #39;ve read things I wish I hadn& #39;t, learned they were just a massive hypocrite, the list could go on

I can& #39;t let myself be sucked back into this hole. I miss what we used to have but I don& #39;t miss what they became. I always thought it was me who changed, or perhaps it was me who was always wrong, but as things settled, I& #39;ve learned it was the opposite.

They changed. They were the one in the wrong.
I wasn& #39;t a friend. Just a tool. Something I& #39;ve learned is fairly common from them from the poor victims I& #39;ve had contact with.

I fell in love with a vampire and I let them suck me dry again and again. I can& #39;t let them grasp me again. I& #39;ve no blood left to give. I& #39;m a husk of my former self.

Through all of this, though, I& #39;ve learned something about myself, through both other peoples& #39; words, and my own thinking.

I& #39;m a rare type of person. I& #39;m a special type of person.
I& #39;m loyal. I& #39;m compassionate. I& #39;m honest when I& #39;m called out.

Once I find love and trust in someone, they can break it again and again, but I& #39;ll come back. Partially because I& #39;m stupid. Partially because I& #39;m desperate. But mostly because I& #39;m loyal and see a light in darkness.

Never again.

I& #39;ve been broken down, but my two closest friends are helping me find tiny pieces to help me rebuild myself in a new form. I couldn& #39;t be more thankful of their support.

I& #39;ve never sunk so much time into a person who never cared for me. I was just an asset. It was never about me, it was about them. Not what I wanted, but what they wanted. Not what they could give me, but what I could give them.

This, through multiple peoples& #39; accounts, is not uncommon behavior. Some things I read hurt me deeply on a level I couldn& #39;t really explain.

I asked a friend to help me. Someone I thought would listen to me thoughtfully. They told me they understood my points, that they& #39;d support me.

And then they twisted my words, everything I said, and told the opposition things that weren& #39;t true.

Unfortunately said friend isn& #39;t too good at keeping the opposition& #39;s secrets safe, either. Oh, I& #39;ve seen plenty of things that let me know they ain& #39;t loyal. Plenty of hurtful, disgraceful things...

But yet I still see a light in them. Perhaps I& #39;m dumb or perhaps I& #39;m hopeful. Maybe a bit of both.

I know you& #39;re reading this, old friend. I hope you know that I& #39;ve never done anything with the intent to hurt you, like you& #39;ve done to me.

I couldn& #39;t do it. Love ya too much. I& #39;ve got so many awful things just sat here in a folder that I wish I& #39;d never begun creating so long ago. It serves no purpose, it& #39;s gone nowhere nor has anyone seen it. It& #39;s there for my own reminder that I& #39;m not the one in the wrong.

Listen. I know you watch me, still.
I& #39;ll be honest.
I miss you.
But I don& #39;t miss who you are now.
I miss what we used to have. I still have recordings that melt my heart.
But you changed.
And you only changed for me. I& #39;ve read, and heard some of the things you say and do.

Why was I the only one who received maltreatment, and selective discrimination? It makes no sense.

Maybe one day I& #39;ll understand your mind. But today isn& #39;t that day.

This thread is super messy. I wrote it *twice* and it contained more than 20 tweets, however both times I accidentally closed the tab and there& #39;s no "are you sure" prompt. So I& #39;m writing points from memory in random orders.

I& #39;ve begun to let go. These awful things I& #39;ve read recently have lessened my grip. Realizing I was just a toy, or that I just wasn& #39;t special compared to the things you& #39;d say to some people.

You had a special side of me that no one would ever get. And you threw it all away. No one else is ever gonna get that, and that& #39;s fine.

I hope one day you open your eyes. Perhaps a cold splash of water. I hope you realize what you& #39;re missing. Because one day I& #39;ll be gone. Will you cherish the moments we had? Who knows.

I grew up with you. I learned a lot from you. I learned to be a better person.

I hope maybe you& #39;ll learn that last part on your own. Because I can& #39;t help you. I can only try to push you through these near-meaningless tweets.

I& #39;m not going to cry for you anymore. I& #39;m not going to come running back. I& #39;m turning my head, wiping my eyes and walking. I& #39;m crying inside, but I won& #39;t let my weakness show. It& #39;s not a choice I want to make, but a choice I have to.

You played a huge part in my life. You still do.

But it& #39;s time I moved on.

They say "some people only appear in your life to teach you a lesson and then disappear forever". Perhaps you were one of those.

But I still hope one day we meet again.

You still owe me that promise. Let& #39;s call it "the doorway". Maybe you& #39;ll still hold to it. Probably not.

The point is... I& #39;m walking. You& #39;ve hurt me, and my trust has been hurt by one I asked for help, and the scar it left on me won& #39;t be forgotten so easily. I& #39;ve told them to confess or walk. They still have yet to make their choice.

You still have yet to make yours.
I& #39;m not going to turn around unless you stand in my way.
If you wait too long, you lose me in the fog. Don& #39;t delay too long. I do not want to lose you, but my hope is dwindling, my heart is freezing. I must walk the path.

All eyes are on you. My eyes are facing the fog.
Everyone& #39;s watching.
Make your move. Or don& #39;t.
Silence is the latter option. But I& #39;d rather you at least say goodbye and wish me good luck on my journey, and I will return the same to you.

It& #39;s been a good decade with you at my side. But this distance between us these days, because of you and your friends, is near undefeatable.

You hold the key to pull us back together.
If you want to open the door, then do it. If you want to forget about me, then bury that key and the paths between Auaetia and Sunderdark will darken.

That& #39;s a metaphor.

So please. I know you& #39;re down here this far, I know you& #39;ve read through this.
Listen to your heart. Not your mind, not your worries, not your fucking dumb-ass friends.
Listen to your heart.

Watch me fade in the fog, or catch up.

Two months. That& #39;s all I give you. If I don& #39;t hear even the slightest of leaves rustling, twigs breaking, I will continue to walk. I will not turn unless I see a sign that I am being pursued --- that I am wanted.

So, your call, old friend.
This is either the clearance we need, or the farewell you desire.
Follow me or stand idle; but that campfire won& #39;t last the rest of the year.

I& #39;d like to find a path back to how we used to be. Perhaps you do, too.

But without you, I& #39;ll only find a path to a future that doesn& #39;t include you.

Life is boring without its secrets and mysteries.

That& #39;s why I always called you my little mystery.
My Halitrad.

I& #39;m not really sure how to end this without repeating myself, so... I guess I& #39;ll just... start walking.

I promise I won& #39;t turn around this time if I don& #39;t see any signs from you. I know better. Silence or a sweet farewell, and it will be over.

Whatever happens, promise me this, my friend:

Get better.

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