TW// family issues
I am not sure about this thread, but the topic sits heavy on my chest since I got asked why I don't keep contact with my father.
I got queried if he's a bandit/murderer/psychopath because otherwise the person cannot imagine why I don't keep contact
1/x

And by my understanding, it was implied that it is possibly due to my mom antagonizing me against my father.
I wish ppl would stop implying that you have an obligation of contact with your family of blood, ALL of it, just bc of the fact someone is your parent.
2/x

I didn't make a decision I want to be made and I didn't have a say what my parents would be - and despite it being maybe an unpopular opinion, I don't feel obligated to accept the people my parents are, with all their actions and behavior just bc of their role in my life.
3/x

My feelings towards my father were driven by his actions and lack of thereof at the same time. My mom was practically a single mother raising us and most of the time my father was around, I remember only him being drunk, aggressive or silent/absent. My mom didn't have to do..
4/x

ANYTHING to antagonize me against my father - he did all the job himself.
And about his actions - yes, he didn't murder anyone (at least I think so)/wasn't a 'bandit'/ 'psychopath' in a sense of diagnosed one. Yet he still managed to ruin my life in a way that impacts me now.
5/x

The thing is...family abuse is mostly about things not making 1st pagers or being punished by court/handled by police. It is not about person doing punishable deeds out there or being all-out psycho out of horrors. No, family abuse is often about being absent.
6/x

About being willing to talk to your children only if drunk. It's about stripping you from sense of safety/security. About shattering your self-esteem or cooperating on that done by your family. About showing off violence while drunk. About no talk when sober.
7/x

I remember one Christmas. He was at home and together with mom they went to my grandma from my mom's side, I stayed home. And when they got back, he was drunk - not showing aggressive behavior type of drunk. I just started shaking all over. My arms got numb...
8/x

...as usually for me in ultra stressing situation. I went out with no words. Went to my best friend and after crying my eyes out, I just sat nimbly, no words exchanged.
To this day, I have zero trust to men, zero desire to form any relationship. Heavy aversion to alcohol.
9/x

Total lack of self-worth despite having the highest education from my whole family, a job I got only by myself/my efforts and fairly good salary. I have zero self-confidence when it comes to my look (his mother's words saying that I am useless fatty still ring in my ears).
10/x

I could go on and on. And then some more.
So no, my father was not 'bandit/murderer or psychopath', but his abuse done maybe in small acts or his absence did much bigger impact on my life than any of said. Was he a psychopath? Maybe in sense of being ill-suited for making...
11/x

...a family/bearing responsibility. Yes, I see some could ask what about rehab from alcoholism - believe me, he does not consider himself as an alcoholic and there was never willingness shown to do something about that. Furthermore, his side of family always covered him up.
12/x

Plus Polish culture treating alcohol like necessary part of any celebration/meal/thing done in life.
So yeah, it is easy to make assumptions on why I don't keep in touch with my father - it's much harder to TRY to understand that for some this is a blessing.
13/13