Been in the middle of a depressive episode over the last few days. Not surprising, given current events.

Still, I think it's worth noting how it feels, what triggers it, and what helps the fog lift.

For me, there's almost always an inciting thing that triggers my depression.

For this one, it's all uncertainty about the future. Specifically, worry about my output for the podcast I do, and about my upcoming bike trip.

The most recent episode of Weaving Spaghetti that we recorded was tough. Midsommar hit me different this time, and diving into the trauma of the movie was harder than I thought it would be.

In fact, I've been scared to edit the episode.

That makes me feel like a failure. I'm not, but the weasely parts of my mind insist I am.

So that's one bit.

The other is some knee pain.

My training for my birthday ride has been going well. Except for some minor knee pain.

That knee pain has bloomed into a fury of doubt about my ability to do this thing.

It took me until today to recognize those things. To be clear enough to ask what my emotions want, why they're bothering me so.

I did that today.

Unsurprisingly, the answers are the same as they always are, for me.

I want to feel confident and good. Anything that makes me question feeling confident and good is automatically a huge problem.

I blow things way out of proportion and I weave stories about how I fucked up and won't be able to handle my own plans.

Those stories aren't true.

There are facts that are true:

- My knee hurts
- The Midsommar episode was hard for me

What those things mean, though? I'm making all of that up!

My desire to be part of some kind of grand narrative turns and bites me hard sometimes.

It's useful when I need to make big plans.

It's horrifying when it tells me stories about my own perceived failures.

I don't have a tidy bow for this thread. No solid advice to offer.

I needed to get these thoughts formalized so I can take one more step away from having these habits dominate my life.