urban fantasy au where wwx runs the town’s only medical clinic and he’s a funky little doctor giving too many lollipops to kids and the sad adults who look like they really need it. he’s vibing hard until one day, a witch apothecary run by lwj opens up right next door to him

wwx, seeing the sign for “lan wangji’s witch clinic”: what the FUCK is this. what the fuck is THIS. WHAT the fuck is this
wq: it’s a witch apothecary. can you clean your mugs on your desk already it’s growing its own ecosystem
wwx: first, those are my houseplants,
wq: [deep sigh]

wwx: ALSO ARE YOU NOT SEEING THIS??? WE HAVE A RIVAL. I HAD A MONOPOLY ON THIS WHOLE FUCKING HEALTH BUSINESS UNTIL THIS RANDO SHOWED UP AND NOW WE HAVE TO CHARGE REASONABLE PRICES???
wq: i’m gonna tell the town that you’re a sellout
wwx: Wait No

wwx is blustering and being like, “pfft, you can’t tell the TOWN that’s not a thing you don’t even know everyone here!!” and wq just shows him a contact on her phone that reads “The Town” because she’s obviously connected her phone to the runes for the town’s mass email server

anyways wwx spends the whole day sulking because surely there has to be a rule against this. it’s like, who opens up a forever 21 next to a thrift shop. who sells bdsm sex toys next to a catholic church. you don’t set up a krispy kreme’s next to the town’s only gym there are LAWS

the shop hasn’t officially opened, but as the days go on and wwx passes the storefront to see that shiny new “LAN WANGJI’S WITCH CLINIC, OPENING SOON,” he feels the rage of a middle-aged soccer mom mildly inconvenienced at a retail store build up in him a little more

by the time the shop does open exactly two weeks later, he’s made so many theories on what this “lan wangji” could be like. he’s ugly, obviously. just horrendous. a modern day eldritch horror and your eyeballs will sizzle just looking at him and his wretchedness

lan wangji clearly has toe warts on his face, and his breath stinks more than that princess who was trapped on that tower for like 16 years in the next state over, and he’s 400 years old but not in the cute sexy “ohhh i’m a vampire who hosts cool midnight orgy parties” way

lan wangji is going to be balding with zero grace. his hair is made up of little snakes like medusa minus the sexy! he has seven fingers and two of them are sentient, and the only reason he’s here is bc he probably got sued for medical malpractice or fraud in the previous towns!!

wwx is onto him. he is so onto him. and the day the clinic opens, wwx ignores the fact that he is already sixteen minutes late to his own clinic bc of the glitching teleportation system, and he marches right into this stupid fucker’s clinic to demand he leave this town—

only to come face to face with the most beautiful man he’s ever seen.

wwx, seeing this man with molten gold eyes like the edges of phoenix feathers, the smattering of silver scales along the sharp line of his jaw and down the curve of his neck, his wisping dark hair drawn back from his face with bone structure so elegant that should be illegal:

so wwx is just at this man who’s probably the modern incarnation of aphrodite or something even though greek gods obviously do not fucking exist, and he’s watching this man with his pale witch hat and sweeping robes embroidered with cloud runes and—

OH FUCKING HELL.

“NO,” wei wuxian says very calmly in a dignified manner, with all the poise of a recently emerged fae. “YOU CANNOT FUCKING BE THE WITCH. NO. ARE YOU KIDDING?”

the man glances up. his eyelashes are so long. oh god.

“i am the witch,” the man says slowly. even his voice is making wei wuxian’s knees go weak. oh hell. “may i ask who you are?”

MAY HE ASK? MAY HE ALLOW WEI WUXIAN TO DROP TO HIS KNEES AND [REDACTED]? MAY HE PLEASE RETURN TO THIS TOWN UGLIER SO WEI WUXIAN CAN HATE HIS GUTS IN NON-HORNY PEACE?

but wwx’s brain takes over on autopilot and at this point, his brain has been wired for spite. he’s been training it for all-consuming rage, fuck that dude’s hotness and his voice!!! so wwx is like, “HI, YEAH, I’M WEI WUXIAN AND I WANT YOU TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY TOWN.”

lwj:
wwx:
lwj: Your Town?
wwx, sweating because this maybe dragon is staring at him and it’s only a little intimidating: y. yeah. my town. i mean not my town but the town i live in. the town that houses my existence. the town in which i am allowed to vibe
lwj:

slowly the man is like, “why do i have to leave your town? is there a law that i have violated?” and wwx is like, “no, unless YOU think there’s a law that you violated, in which case you should absolutely get out of this town,” and the man frowns a little and wwx is hoooghhh ok

the man’s like, “i have properly filed my status and magical strength reports to the town office. they did not say anything to me about laws i have violated”

immediately wwx is like OH??? MAGICAL STRENGTH YOU SAY??? because he simps for people who have the power to completely destroy him in all sense of the word

like he’s not interested in this fucking witch dragon whatever but he’s also.... not NOT interested and maybe they can get a coffee after this guy leaves town who knows!!!!!!

the man sideeyes him before he’s like, “i do not see how it is your business. is there a reason why you want me to leave town” and for a second wwx is just like :((( you never answered my question on how good you could potentially [redacted] me but whatever

wwx: well you see that medical clinic? right next door? like if you blew a hole in the wall of this little shop of yours and walked five feet and blew another hole you could be inside? that one?
lwj: i am not interested in property damage
wwx, internally: why is that hot

anyways wwx informs him that he is a doctor of that very medical clinic and that the location of this witch clinic is very clearly trying to steal his business and run him into bankruptcy and he will have no money to feed his 7 children and do u really want that on ur conscience

lwj, bypassing his Entire Point: you have 7 children?
wwx: well i—
lwj: i have a son as well. his name is a-yuan
wwx, forgetting the whole archnemesis thing: wait you’re married?
lwj: i am not. he is adopted. i love him dearly
wwx, who has a kink for kindness: OKAY THAT’S COOL

inside wwx’s mind he knows this is going terribly and he’s supposed to be intimidating and chase this stupid sexy man out of town so wwx can have money to buy instant ramen and wine!! but it’s not working!!!! so he’s like, “alright i’ll retreat for today but i am COMING BACK”

lwj: ah. please take my card then. i am offering two free diagnostics for every new patient as a thank you for the welcome i have received here
wwx, who really fucking likes free stuff: hhnnnngfghhhh this doesn’t change anything between us
lwj: [blinks slowly]
wwx: HRHHF FUCK YOU

so wwx sulks back into his medical clinic and immediately lies on the cold floor to make him remember what it’s like to be human trash not that he needed any reminder

wq, stepping over him to get to the stethoscopes: have you given up on your plan now
wwx, muffled into the floor: just because he’s hot doesn’t mean we’re not enemies
wq: isn’t that like, your thing
wwx: MAYBE. FUCK OFF. I’M GOING TO REGROUP AND TRY TOMORROW
wq: okay clown

wwx mourns all day and he spends all of his check-ups with his patients moaning about how hot lwj is but how he’s going to get revenge, and elderly aunt baobao pats his cheek like, “okay dear. i believe in you. do i have bronchitis”

he waives the fee for everyone because what does money matter when he’s going to be broke and sad anyway and wq just sighs but pulls from their reserve funds they have set aside named “wei wuxian” because obviously they have that

the next day wwx is READY. he’s got a plan. he will no longer be caught off guard by lwj’s prettiness and his cool robes and his admittedly cute wizard hat and those gold-rimmed glasses that he saw hooked on the collar of lwj’s absurdly expensive looking silk shirt!! no longer!!!