Time for apple reviews!

First up: “Mother,” an heirloom from Boston (1840). Slightly mealy texture but nice, standard apple flavor. I was told to look for “hints of wintergreen and spruce” — nope, definitely tastes just like a regular, kinda boring apple. 5/10

“Sweet Sixteen” is a 1977 Northern Spy hybrid out of Minnesota. And she is POPPIN, with a bright, crisp, VERY sweet & juicy bite! She tastes literally like the candy apple martinis from Dylan’s Candy Bar, aka, delicious, but prob too much sugar-sweetness for some. 8/10

Meet “Kandil Sinap”, an heirloom from the 1800s, allegedly from Turkey (though maybe Russia, really) — note the sexy elongated shape and pretty coloring! The flesh is bright and creamy, juicy, but with a very mild (neither sweet nor tart) kinda... watery flavor. 6/10 bc pretty

Blue Permian, New England 1800s. This apple has a thick russeted skin and VERY dry flesh. It’s kinda bitter. It’s like this face made into a fruit. Honestly I dislike this apple a LOT, could not eat much, however the description of it here is so good, I’m gonna give it a 2/10.

Rhode Island Greening, originated in 1650 by a Mr Green from Green’s End, RI. Tart, juicy, crisp firm flesh — refreshing with an almost citrusy flavor. Was extremely popular as “the definitive Pie Apple” for 200+ years, but I think it’s nice eaten out of hand, too. 7/10

HONEYCRISP. She basically revived the flagging Apple industry in the late 90’s-early aughts. But who will speak truth to power?

HONEYCRISP is the basic bitch of apples. Fine. Nice. Sweet. Wet. No complexity, texture or flavor-wise. Tastes like hummingbird food. 5.75/10

Kidd’s Orange-Red — I forgot to take a pic so this’ll do. 1924, New Zealand, from the same dude that brought us the Gala. Kidd’s O-R is a revelation! Thin skin, crisp but dense bite. But it is the complex honey-tart now-and-later-esque flavor that truly sings! WOW! 8.5/10

Crimson Crisp. This unassuming little apple is packed with perfect crispy crunch and a delightful, *almost spicy* flavor. An on-the-go treat, temptingly sweet. The orchardist says, “if this was the Garden of Eden, and this was the apple, I would sin.”

9/10 would sin again

Karmijn de Sonnaville: Netherlands, 1940; cox orange pippin x Jonathan:

This diva is NOT playing around! InTENSely aromatic, crisp, juicy, sweet but also HIGHly acidic — refreshing, but it’s almost like... TOO MUCH. Calm down, Karmijn. We get it. You’re a showstopper. 8.75/10

Pink Pearl: This is a highly biased review — I think I did not get the best apple in the first place and they do NOT store well. This apple absolutely sucks - mealy to the point of inedible, I spat it out. Also: NOT PINK ENOUGH. 0/10

Crimson Gold: she’s an undeniably cute crabapple relative, with a nice, bright bite, though somewhat insipid flavor. Just a perfectly nice to eat, but kinda forgettable, apple. 5.75/10

Jonathan. Ulster County NY, 1836, a descendent of my beloved Esopus Spitzenburg apple. Thin skin and a fine, crispy texture, the perfect balance between sweet and tart; reminiscent of a fine dry champagne. Not showing off, just casually being a great Apple. 9.5/10

Swiss Gourmet, aka Arlet. I’m told it’s “the BEST for pie” — but I’m too lazy for that. It’s a nice and well-balanced, tasty little apple. Cute! Maybe not, like, OMG this is AMAZING, stop the presses, but it keeps its head down and does it’s job very well. Quite APPLEY. 8/10

Ashmead’s Kernel is an old-world apple from the 1700s. It’s plain, with deeply russeted and thick skin - but the FLAVOR! Citrus-Pear?

Sophisticated and versatile, Ashmead is the adult in the room — and would be as at home in a ploughman’s lunch or on a king’s cheeseboard. 9/10

Ok this big boi is apparently “Elstar” (Netherlands, 1955) — that is how it was labeled — but I suspect something is afoot, bc this one doesn’t look like Estars online... maybe it’s a sport? Anyway it’s nice. Huge, crisp, kinda water-filled, tastes like... apple juice? 6.5/10

Internet fan favorite Macoun, 1923, NY - look it’s a great apple (and good for pie) - you don’t need to come for me! It’s well balanced, crisp, legitimately FUN to eat. (I often can’t get through a whole apple, but I devoured every speck of this one, with a smile.) 9/10

Hidden Rose: this is a gorgeous, surprising apple. Like - I had to pull over the side of the rows and snap a pic because WHOA PINK! — that said, unfortch, it’s nothing to write home about, taste-wise. It’s fine! It’s good! Just... whatever. I got bored eating it. 6.75/10 for PINK

Belle de Boskoop, 1856, Netherlands. A husky, thick skinned-apple, dry flesh, weirdly bitter with a distinctly sour aftertaste. Apparently gets sweeter with age but I’m not really interested in spending more time with it. 2/10

Little Rosybloom - early 1900s, California - there’s some confusion about this one because the guy who invented it wanted to call it Crimson Gold and sometimes it IS called Crimson Gold but there’s also a totally different apple called Crimson Gold? Anyway. Very cute, tasty, 6/10

Empire. 1945, Ithaca NY. Hybrid McIntosh x Red D. A quintessential boxed lunch apple. Like, it brings back nostalgia for field trips to the natural history museum and the smell of sun-baked school bus seats. Good flavor, weird texture, would make great applesauce. 4.75/10

Gala. New Zealand, 1930s, hybrid Kidd’s Orange-Red x Golden Delicious. As of 2018 this is the biggest-producing Apple in — it’s not nearly as dazzling as its parent, KO-R, but it does have a nice, sweet, almost pear-like flavor. Better off the tree than in the market. 7/10

Cortland - 1890s, Ithaca NY. A very boring apple with a slightly mealy bite and an ever-so-slight tartness. The cool thing about them (?) is that their flesh does not brown rapidly, so they’d be good in salads. Whatever, 5/10

McIntosh - Canadian - inoffensive but also extremely boring and nondescript to the point that it was a chore to eat. Mac is like that passive aggressive frenemy who hasn’t done anything “wrong” but you want to cross the street to avoid. Truly, the psychic vampire of apples 3.5/10

Golden Russett - old timey American - somewhat tough skin and crisp, fine-textured flesh with a very sassy sweet-tart flavor. The first bite was almost unbearably tart??? but it got real good the further in I went. The “it’s complicated” of apples, 7.5/10

Esopus Spitzenburg — 1700s, Ulster County NY. It was Thomas Jefferson’s fav and has had a cult following since. The Spitz is shy, only appearing every other year. The Apple itself is perfection. A joy to eat, crisp, sweet, aromatic, complex, sophisticated - v “European” - 10/10

Keepsake, Minnesota 1978. Child of Malinda and Northern Spy, parent of Honeycrisp.

A very tasty little apple, with a more textured bite than Honeycrisp - bursting with sugar-melon flavor and a sassy little kick. Yum! 8.5/10

Nittany - Pennsylvania. This is a nice tasting apple, flavor-wise, but for me it’s a little too big and dense. It’s a real workhorse of an apple, and keeps and bakes well. Like, this and scrapple will get your husky sons through a hard winter on the farm. Respect. 7.5/10

Northern Spy; NY 1800 — another big chonker, apparently this guy takes a dozen years to bear fruit and then only does so sparingly - and the fruit is thin-skinned and easily bruised. It would make a good pie, in fact, tastes like it has already been seasoned and sugared! 7.75/10

Winesap - 18th century American, unknown origin - this is probably good for cooking - it’s ok out of hand, with a distinctly vinous, almost herbaceous sweet-sour flavor. Nice crisp and juicy flesh; Tough, unappealing skin. 6.5/10

Golden Delicious, 19th century — not related to Red Delicious, rather, Grimes Golden. Skin should be pale yellow - too green, it was picked too early - too yellow, it’s overripe. It has a nice crisp bite and a light, refreshing, almost melony taste. Bruises easily. 7/10

Snow Sweet - a modern Minnesota hybrid (2006) - flesh bordering on the edge of mealy, sweet but with a distinct sharp sour-tart kick that is kind of good but also sort of... not. Very ambivalent - 4/10

Spigold, 1962 NY - northern spy x golden delicious, with the best qualities of both (and better than both). I was VERY pleasantly surprised by this big chonker - crisp and juicy with a sweet but complex wallop of FRUIT PUNCH flavor 8.5/10

Jonagold- 1940s, Jonathan x Golden Delish. Unlike yesterday’s apple, where the best of two good parents made an even better child - in this case the kid “isn’t living up to its full potential.” Relatable. Anyway it’s juicy with a light honey flavor but kind of forgettable. 7/10

Fuji (1930’s Japan) - it’s nice. Crisp, light, satisfyingly snappy bite, fun tart notes. Ultimately not like STOP THE PRESSES tho. I’d use it for pie (if I were making pie, which I am absolutely not). 6.5/10

Suncrisp - Rutgers, 1994 - golden d x cortland/cox’s Orange pippin. Nice and crispy, a well balanced flavor, but also somewhat forgettable. It tastes like the GHOST of a Now and Later... 6.5/10

Grimes Golden - Virginia, 1832 - probably a parent of Golden D. Sort of an uggo in the looks department tbh, but what a personality! A crisp, spicy-sweet taste and creamy flesh. Really memorable and intense. 8.5/10

Idared from Idaho, 1940s— don’t let its striking lipstick color fool you —this apple is quite distinctly average. Niceish flavor, thickish skin, mealish texture. Would probs be better cooked? Internet says “it’s main feature is its remarkably long storage potential.” ZING! 4.5/10