being a butch lesbian is having everybody expect you to make the first move but you yourself are usually terrified of making the first move because you don't want to be seen as predatory

had a long talk with somebody who I deeply care for a while ago who was crushing on me *hard* and was deeply hurt that I never said anything

and the reason is that horrible little voice in my head telling me that I'm disgusting, nobody would ever want me, and all the rest of it

the point I'm making is that, as many of you who know me personally will already be aware, I've been single for close to two years now and I have zero idea of how the hell to change that, even ignoring the deadly global pandemic for a moment

whenever I'm out with friends I feel like a third wheel, whenever I go to an event I feel like an outcast.... it's so much easier to just stay at home and avoid the whole thing

but I am so sick of avoiding stuff rather than learning how to cope

it's not like I haven't the guts to stick my neck out elsewhere - in politics I take *great* delight in rattling the cages of the rich and powerful, the consequences be damned, because some cages need rattling

that and the dynamics of mutual contempt (even if it may not usually be overt) are so much easier than the dynamics of affection for me

pretty sure a lot of people with shitty parents know what I mean when I say affection feels like a trap

like it's just the prelude to something truly horrible

hell, I guess my anxiety over all this is a political strength even though it's a personal agony - I can usually figure out exactly how our enemies are going to swing at me and head it off very well

but having that wall there means shutting an awful lot of people out and my default attitude towards others being suspicion

it's no way to live

as I say before, I'm in politics because politics needs more good people

but god damn does it feel like swimming in a cesspool

PSA: Don't suggest therapy. Trust me, I know. Also don't suggest mindfulness or anything else like that. I've tried it and continued to try it. Still trying to find something that works for me. I don't need suggestions.