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CW: abuse
It's about that time where abusers that were outted in SFF are trying to make repairs and come back.
So, I would like to talk about something called "mediation".
(TL;DR I highly advise victims who have requests to enter mediation from their abusers to deny it.)
It's about that time where abusers that were outted in SFF are trying to make repairs and come back.
So, I would like to talk about something called "mediation".
(TL;DR I highly advise victims who have requests to enter mediation from their abusers to deny it.)
Now, again, I highly advise against requests from your abuser to enter mediation.
For the following reasons:
1. In my experience mediation mostly benefits the abuser. It's damage control so they can come back into spaces they previously were using to prey on others.
For the following reasons:
1. In my experience mediation mostly benefits the abuser. It's damage control so they can come back into spaces they previously were using to prey on others.
2. It often ends in the retraumatization of victims.
3. It is often used as an opportunity to bully, intimidate, and coerce the victim into silence regarding their abuse.
4. The victim often gets nothing in return for this silence that is concrete.
3. It is often used as an opportunity to bully, intimidate, and coerce the victim into silence regarding their abuse.
4. The victim often gets nothing in return for this silence that is concrete.
5. The abuser often chooses a mediator that is complicit and on their side, and helps to intimidate, play good cop/bad cop to get compliance from the victim.
6. It often ends with them trying to force the victim to sign a non-disclosure agreement to effectively gag them.
6. It often ends with them trying to force the victim to sign a non-disclosure agreement to effectively gag them.
The reason the abuser wants a victim gagged is obvious, they can come back to spaces without all those squeaky wheels.
And, because you entered mediation, they can then say they reached out and made things right, even if they didn't. And, the victims can't counter this narrative
And, because you entered mediation, they can then say they reached out and made things right, even if they didn't. And, the victims can't counter this narrative
...because they've been gagged and can't legally talk about it without threat of suit.
Mediation is usually a continuation of abuse under the guise of "working it out".
Not everything has to be worked out. Sometimes "stay the f*** away from me forever" is a resolution.
Mediation is usually a continuation of abuse under the guise of "working it out".
Not everything has to be worked out. Sometimes "stay the f*** away from me forever" is a resolution.
But, if the victim ignores my warnings and does choose to comply with mediation, here's some things to consider for your own safety:
1. consult a lawyer before talking to the abuser. Discuss everything in detail with a legal advocate. Listen to your lawyer!
1. consult a lawyer before talking to the abuser. Discuss everything in detail with a legal advocate. Listen to your lawyer!
2. DO NOT allow the abuser to choose the mediator, or venue. You will want a neutral location, and an experienced victim's advocate, or your own lawyer to mediate the talks.
3. DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING.
3. DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING.
4. Seriously, don't sign anything.
NDAs are NEVER in the victim's best interest.
5. Do not discuss the discussions of the mediation publicly afterward. You might be subject to liability if it damages the abuser further. (Again, consult a lawyer first.)
NDAs are NEVER in the victim's best interest.
5. Do not discuss the discussions of the mediation publicly afterward. You might be subject to liability if it damages the abuser further. (Again, consult a lawyer first.)
6. If you can help it, only communicate via an advocate, preferably your lawyer.
In the end, I hope people take my advice and just reject invitations to mediation whole cloth. They are scary, because they are meant to be, and in my experience I've never seen it help victims, only retraumatize them.
It usually only helps to cleanse the abuser's image so they can return, even if their victims are still left with damages.
You might ask, "but, Maggie, how should abusers go about coming back then?"
I answer that with an "I'm unconcerned with that question".
I'm a victim's advocate, not an abuser's advocate.
I answer that with an "I'm unconcerned with that question".
I'm a victim's advocate, not an abuser's advocate.
This is a good place to repost my open letter (graciously hosted by SFWA blog) to con chairs.
Please consider carefully before allowing predators back in our shared spaces when their victims haven't been made whole yet: https://www.sfwa.org/2020/08/28/an-open-letter-to-convention-chairs-and-the-greater-sf-f-community/
Please consider carefully before allowing predators back in our shared spaces when their victims haven't been made whole yet: https://www.sfwa.org/2020/08/28/an-open-letter-to-convention-chairs-and-the-greater-sf-f-community/
To clarify, I understand there are many ethical, well intentioned professional mediators out there. This thread isn't meant to knock what you do, but to expose what I've seen be the most common outcome for victims of sexual predation.
I'm sure you're a great person who'd never intentionally help retraumatize a victim...but, please understand, I'm a victim's advocate, not a mediator's advocate.
There is one party and one party alone that draws my concern.
There is one party and one party alone that draws my concern.
And I've yet to work with a victim who particularly had great things to say about their mediation experience with their predator.
My best advice, if the abuser wants to mediate, contact a lawyer first. Have a long conversation with them.
My best advice, if the abuser wants to mediate, contact a lawyer first. Have a long conversation with them.
If you feel you are being pressured into mediation, or you are considering entering mediation as an opinion, please see resources below for legal advocacy:
http://www.legalaidforsurvivors.org/help/
https://www.victimrights.org/
https://www.nsvrc.org/organizations/3669
http://www.legalaidforsurvivors.org/help/
https://www.victimrights.org/
https://www.nsvrc.org/organizations/3669
