i feel bad bc i genuinely dont think im smart enough to grasp a lot of theory, and online leftism puts so much emphasis on theory but im mostly interested in marxist-leninism because im dissatisfied with anarchism's ability to withstand and overthrow a massive state like the us?

i dont have much theory knowledge at all outside of social theory and i may have lots of literature at my disposal for free online, but reading them is incredibly difficult for me because of my adhd and head injury and i just dont feel like im able tbh

and even though i might understand the meaning behind the large words used in text by themselves, my eyes just glaze over when im reading them all grouped together because it's just not accessible to me? i feel like it makes me a bad leftist

maybe its because i follow a lot of smart leftists who can read a ton and who spend years critiquing and analyzing everything but i feel like i just... can't? im not smart in that way and i genuinely don't feel like thats me giving up or something

i feel like its fine to just not understand theory because that type of knowledge isnt accessible to me? as envious as i am of leftists who can and choose to read theory im just not that person? im more interested in gardening and working with kids and families anyways, idk :/

i know where my politics lie and i'd love to have the theory knowledge to back it up but i get so frustrated with a huge textbook in front of me and i might KNOW what the individual words theyre saying mean but i just cant wrap my head around the concepts theyre getting at

maybe i just need to read theory with someone who can help me understand it? i dont think i can do it myself, as much as i really want to be able to? im definitely not giving up on my theory knowledge but i just feel so frustrated when so much emphasis is put on learning it

political theory is genuinely inaccessible to me and im tired of some marxist leninists insulting people for not being able to get the literature because it makes me feel worthless as a leftist, im much more interested in helping my friends irl than reading a book on how to do it

it is genuinely an accessibility problem for me and i dont like feeling like im lesser just because i havent been able to read a real book since i was a little kid, im just fuckin disabled and that's okay