I would 100% not hate my body as much as I do if I didn't have to get weighed all the time at my diabetes appointments

What doctors don't see is the late-night hypos where I feel sick at the prospect of taking on calories that I have to take to stay alive, but knowing they will contribute to more self-hatred

Or me halving the dose of my medication (which is notorious weight gain) in the hope that that will be the magic bullet that makes my body go back to The Time Before Diabetes™

Or skipping meals every single day to cut 'unnecessary' calories, leading to brain fog and hunger pains and trembling hands and an inability to think coherently

I do this so that a doctor doesn't weigh me and say 'My goodness, you should be ashamed of yourself', and in the hope that one day they will say again 'You should be pleased, you've lost 3kg!' when I was already borderline underweight

It's a horrible and complex relationship that type 1 diabetes gives you with your body. When you spend so much time being forced to think about food, it's only natural that it consumes you over the years

I'm fine and I don't want to sound like a drama queen, but this is the reality of the situation for many, many of us, which is why a 'harmless' request to weigh me feels like the biggest deal in the world

Also I strongly believe that as long as you're healthy in yourself, there isn't anything wrong with ANY weight (BMI is obviously bullshit anyway), but doctors really drill that fear of being 'outside the green zone' into you and that has a major, lasting impact

I wish I could remember what it feels like to just eat a meal or even a snack without having to think so much before, during and after the fact about insulin, carbs and whatever the hell else my body does or doesn't want to do that day

Also hopefully you all know that thoughts on my own body do NOT reflect my thoughts on anyone else's body - I'm sure we all know how complex our relationships with our own bodies can be, and that's only exacerbated with a chronic condition like T1D