I’ve been silent about the racial trauma I’ve carried inside of my body within the body of Christ. I’ve downplayed it. I’ve used my strength as my shield. But lately every piece of news about the president and evangelicals would trigger it. (1)

I would often feel shame because I’m a pastor and I should be able to handle racial trauma better. And because I’m a pastor I should protect the church and its racism. Because I’m a pastor I shouldn’t speak against the church’s failures. (2)

I’d be judged for speaking up. Some would “mentor” me by correcting my speaking up and weigh in on the appropriateness of what I share. Y’all not just by white folks. I suffered in silence with a smile on my face. (3)

But lately every time I’d hear one more racial attack by the president my heart would palpitate. I’d feel powerless. Defeated. I would feel scared and anxious. To survive, I’d go numb and focus on something else. (4)

As a therapist, I know these are signs of trauma within my body. Yes I have a therapist and lots of wonderful friends. (5)

I’m sharing this because a part of my healing has to do with finding my voice again. To feel again and not stay numb. Silence for me is not about complicity, silence for me is death. I need to breathe out my hurt to heal. (End)