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Tw // suicide , self harm
The reason this lauch means so much to me is because I& #39;ve used the crisis text line so much in my life I used to have it saved as a contact. I have the suicide hotline saved in my phone for 6 years. I& #39;ve had 911 called on me for suicidal threats. +
The reason this lauch means so much to me is because I& #39;ve used the crisis text line so much in my life I used to have it saved as a contact. I have the suicide hotline saved in my phone for 6 years. I& #39;ve had 911 called on me for suicidal threats. +
I& #39;ve been hospitalized 3 times. Twice for attempts on my life, the other for ideations. I& #39;m still in a horrifically dark place in my mind and I want to feel heard and loved without hurting myself and those around me. I feel guilty posting this knowing my sister may see this.
But i can& #39;t hide the fact my body is covered in scars and I struggle daily with the thoughts of self harm. It& #39;s been 10 years of this hell. I& #39;ve seen countless therapists but had to leave them all because of insurance issues. I& #39;ve dropped from college twice.
I feel like a complete failure in life because I can& #39;t even afford to eat food other than ramen and fucking mcdoubles. Every single day is a battle to convince myself to walk away from the things that harm me. I want to die and it& #39;s all my fault.
I want to remember what it feels like to laugh and not have to choke back the sinking feeling in my stomach and the thoughts that everyone will miss me when I& #39;m gone.
I want to stop crying myself to sleep thinking I& #39;m a failure and I& #39;m only 23. I know I& #39;m young and this is the time to fuck up but I can& #39;t even keep a job anymore because of my anxiety and depression. I& #39;m fucking tired
I& #39;m tired of knowing I& #39;ll never fulfill my dreams because im too afraid to oush myself forward. I& #39;m afraid to let myself live because I don& #39;t fucking deserve it.
All because two people in my life made it clear I wasn& #39;t fucking good enough. How can I not believe them when i have nothing to show for? Hell if my family knew how much I& #39;ve actually struggled they would be shocked.
Of course they know ive been to the hospital and i have scars and all these disorders. I have lived with them for so long.
I want to feel human again and I know I have to change it but I have no where to start. I am nothing. I want to feel like someone. I need validation because I missed it growing up and in my shitty relationships.
My art isnt good. My writing sucks. I can& #39;t dance well and i hate seeing my body move. Im too fat. My singing got worse. And my brain could kill me at any moment (leaving me with insane medical bills)
Yeah im complaining about my life. Im human and im selfish because I need to be to keep myself fucking alive.
I obsess over kpop because it& #39;s my one fucking outlet and i seem to flock to the ones that are more open with their disorders and problems. Like jae and yongguk and wooseok because i see people with my struggles living the life I want.
I see that if they can do it so can i. It gives me hope to some extent despite being easily discouraged.
So @Jae_Day6 thank you for being such an amazing person and giving me at least some strength to keep fighting for my life.
