i don’t know how specific of an asian-american experience this is, but something that i’ve always struggled with is my family’s perception of my asian-american identity VS the rest of the world’s

when i started dying my hair and wearing hoops and skinny jeans, my parents would +

praise me for being “so american” and “such an american kid” as if this was... not better, but impressive. as if this was more advantageous than the traditional style they raised me with.

and to them, my immigrant parents who had accents and faced cultural barriers every day, +

it was.

of course they were sad that i didn’t understand traditions or share the same experiences they did, but losing my heritage was an acceptable sacrifice for assimilation. assimilation meant an easier time at the workplace, so i wouldn’t be denied opportunities like them. +

in between clinging to my heritage and finding education and work in american society, it was obvious, to them, which choice was better. fulfilling the american dream was worth more than understanding đám giỗ or retaining my vietnamese.

but then i would go to school, and the +

differences between me and other kids were evident.

to be clear, i’m lucky to have pale skin and live in a diverse area. i was never outright denied life or opportunities because of my race. i live and work in a city where my race is a large portion of the population. +

but still, i would go to school and see kids pull back their eyes. i would hear hear them joke about “chinese” classmates (the individuals were vietnamese) eating dogs instead of the cafeteria lunch. me and my peers were “ling lings” and we spoke “ching chong ding dong.” +

and i didn’t realize this until much later, but this mockery of my traits and language and culture made me feel shy and seek assimilation even more.

but the foods and languages on TV never matched the foods and languages at my house. the articles and magazines i saw in target +

were still full of blond hair and blue eyes. no matter what i tried, my skin, hair, and eyes were the same.

it was weird, feeling like an outsider both at home and at school. i know i’m not the only one, but when we were kids, others who felt the same were too shy to speak up. +

and because i thought i was alone in my experiences, i thought that my crisis was my fault. not being asian enough, not being american enough. maybe just not being enough. +

when i discovered anime and manga and kpop, i latched onto then fiercely. largely because of escapism, hyperfixation, and genuine interest, yeah, but also because i finally saw people who *looked like me*. +

the cultural differences are still huge. mainland asian VS asian-american experiences are very different. there are hundreds of different cultures included when you say “asian.”

but still, i saw people who looked vaguely like me and had similar ENOUGH eastern cultural values. +

it wasn’t the same or even that similar, but in the absence of any meaningful representation, i still felt /some/ sort of kinship.

i’m really glad that american society is slowly changing to give some more spotlight to asian-americans. progress is slow, but it’s still progress +

as much as i joke about social media being the universe’s mistake, i don’t mean it. the internet gives minorities greater ability and more opportunity to speak up and be heard. without it, i would not find people who looked and lived like me. i wouldn’t even be here to say this +

there isn’t a real point to this thread- my life isn’t done and i left out a lot of details. i still get Very Shy speaking about my experiences- almost two decades of disinterested stares or rolled eyes does that to you- but still. i do hope my words help someone feel less alone