One like for one memory. Good or bad.

1. I don’t have a favourite colour. Colours are just colours to me. But to him each colour was beautiful. Each new thing he saw was something to love. He would pick flowers in every shade because he wanted to share what he loved and I would dry them. I have them still

2. I’ve known him since we were 15 and not once have we ever truly hated each other (at least I hope)

3. He got sick once and asked me to do his laundry with my detergent so that even when I left I’d still be there. He got better in record time

4. For such an athletic guy he cannot ice skate for shit. I tried to teach him once, before we were dating and after we were both in MSBY, but after two hours of falling flat on his ass we gave up. We went back to his house and he told me it was one of the best days of his life

5. I wonder if he’s happier, now

6. I like to read at night, so before we moved in together he bought a little light to clip on his headboard so I could read. It’s in my closet

7. The first doodle he ever gave me was a doodle of a cat he saw that he thought looked like me (curly black hair, standoffish demeanour, etc). The cat wasn’t smiling

8. The fifth to last doodle was us in the summertime. We had ice cream. They were stick figures. I was smiling

9. The last one was me. I don’t wanna share what it’s of me doing. But I was not smiling.

10. My favourite doodle is the one of us playing together. He’s not so good at dynamic movement. But it’s nice. We both look happy

11. I was the one who taught him how to cook. Before he was eating microwave rice because his brother had taken the rice cooker when they moved out of their childhood home. He can cook fine now. But he told me my meals were always the best. Because I made them

12. I think he really loved me. I think I might’ve been special. I think. If even a little. I really hope I’m right

13. Before we moved in together, his apartment was always “the house”. After we moved in together, it was always “home”.

14. He was the first person to learn, seriously, that I’m not as emotionally stunted as people think.

15. When he asked me out, I told him it was rotten work, to take care of me. He told me “It doesn’t matter. As long as it’s you.”

16. I really wish I knew where home was, now. Where am I supposed to go? I wonder if he still knows. If it changed

17. Our first date was a disaster. We got lost on our way to the restaurant. By the time we got there we learned it was reservation only and he didn’t make a reservation. We got noodles at a small ramen place and he spilled his all over himself. It was..... it was fun.

18. He always left his socks on the floor and would lose one half of them. So he just started wearing two different socks. He’d make it a game to find the socks that clashed the most everyday. I started buying him weird socks. My favourite was the blue penguins and oranges

19. He left his favourite mug here. It says “the better twin” on it. He stole it from his brother. I think that may be why it’s his favourite

20. He told me his favourite colour when he kissed me for the first time. I was almost not even nervous. His favourite colour is black. He said “like your hair and your eyes and your little dots” (he forgot the word for moles).

21. Do you think his favourite colour has changed...?

22. I sleep with no noise but he always slept with a noise machine. When I used to come over he wouldn’t turn it on. I asked him why, one night, when he was drifting off and he just said “as long as you’re here....” and then trailed off. I didn’t ask him again in the morning

23. He bought me a present for every single one of the birthdays that he’s known me

24. He wears glasses (like a loser) and he probably made me wear them more times than he wore them around me. I wish I had the courage to tell him he looked nice in them (loser or not)

25. I think my favourite colour might be yellow, after all

26. He dropped Susumu off a few days ago. He smells like his detergent and a little bit like him. I can tell he put him through the wash. He cleaned him. I don’t know if it was because I told him to... if he would’ve remembered it would matter if I hadn’t said anything

28. I didn’t know what love was before I met him. I thought I did. But it turns out love is the fork you leave in the kitchen sink and the shirt that isn’t yours at the bottom of your drawer that you wear over and over and over. Love isn’t always big. It can be small.

29. It can be memories, good or bad

30. The fact you remember he hates candy corn

31. That he thinks his hair looks stupid in hats

32. That no matter how many kisses you shared, it would never ever be enough (You won’t know this until there weren’t any more left)

33. The collar for a cat you planned to have, name inscribed

34. Or every dried flower at the bottom of a textbook from university that you thought you’d never have any use for again

35. An ice skating rink that proves he barely has a sense of balance

36. That time you caught him around the waist, then got so shocked and embarrassed that you threw him on the floor yourself

37. His hands

38. His eyes

39. His hair

40. His smile

41. Him.

42. What you make

43. What you lose

44. It can be your favourite colour (yellow)

45. Or it could be every doodle he gave you that you keep taped to the back of your closet door

46. I know what love is, now. All because of him.

47. But I wonder....

48. More than anything....

49. If....

50. He knows what love is too.