Okay so I'm gonna put this out there but it's a discussion of my trash fire mental health so, y'know, mute if you need <3

We're kind of staring down the barrel of the holiday season, and I'm terrified.

My mental health right now is absolutely in the toilet. Just in the shitter. Just worse than it's been in.... seven years or so?

a thing happened back then and my brain has not been That Bad since so I thought, I dared hope, I would never feel this way again. But it's gnarly.

I'm not a suicide risk for a variety of reasons but a lot of those reasons are my family. I used to spend at least one weekend a month with the fam. Now when I do see them I'm consumed with terror that I'm going to be their infection vector.

ANYWAY. Historically, for some reason, NYE is the worst day of the year for me. Worse than the anniversary of the sexual assault I think of as "the big one" (though that's coming up, yikes)

If I DO spend Christmas with my family, I don't think I'll be able to justify NYE to myself. And I'm not going out, so... I'm gonna be alone on the worst day.

and idk. idk what happens then. that unknown scares the shit out of me.

I kind of want to tell funny-sad stories of how fucked up I've been on NYE past because I can't handle that day at all for some reason (I've had a couple good ones but the grand scheme is much more "gets into a bar fight and vomits" than game night/costumes/fireworks)

anyway idk I just wanted to be like, perhaps it is time to worry, and also I have no idea how to prepare myself for this inevitability.

shoutout to Floydd for coming to sit on me while I drafted this thread, truly the realest of ones.

live look @ my brain