I have never felt this disillusioned and burned out in my entire life

I also have this feeling as though sincerity has been repaid with treachery and I don't quite know how to put it without sounding like I'm being facetious / patting myself on the back / forgiving my own mistakes while excoriating others

I know that this site has changed me in the past 5 years I've spent interacting with others here. Polemic can take on a very specific meaning here; I learned to accept as Correct and Good the kind of berating I received from people, for genuinely incorrect views, and yet...

there's this horrid feeling that some people are genuinely just out to get me, or will never give me the level of compassion and broad sympathy for "how this person got from point A to B to C.... to Z" that I am expected to have for literally everyone else.

"Oh they are learning and changing", a standard which apparently is inapplicable to the people you despise because __________ you dumbass, you moron, you fascist. Yes, fascist! I was reading this thread today — lately I've been actually seeking out the opinions, even of

other communists who I may have disagreements with and this otherwise wonderful, insightful, polemic ends with that very accusation, and I am left wondering who? WHO? who on earth are you pointing that finger at?

I get that sometimes when you have failed to punch the actual enemy you need a softer target to abuse so you feel a little bit better about yourself, and I guess that's something I have done myself, so I feel guilty even making that assertion about others. anyway