belonging is a funny thing

for the first decades of my life I never felt like I *fit*.

too creative for most of my high school friends
too uncool for my art school colleagues
too sensitive for toxic masculinity
too cynical for the business world
too weird for the mundane world

I never felt like people really understood me or the tremulous composition of my spirit. I always felt like an imposter, someone play-acting the "correct" role that the people around me always seemed to fit most perfectly, like they knew how from the start.

it took me many years to accumulate a few dire friendships and cultivate the trust required to have someone _hold_ you, in all your complexity and confusion. they might not fully understand but they could bear witness and love you all the same

I eventually realized that there are people like me out there (out _here_ ) with similarly narrow, bending, curling natures like twine. but they won't come to you easily, for each of us is lost in our own way.

I eventually got tired of my loneliness and my subjective perception of being excluded. I decided, fuck it, if no one else is going to invite me to things I want to do I'm going to invite others to the stuff I want!

I created an esoterics club, threw parties, hosted poker nights

and what I found was that people _thanked_ me for it. they expressed that they felt similarly, that they themselves were too intimidated or afraid to reach out and just _make something happen_. which is understandable, because the risk of failing socially is great psychic pain

and it takes practice to get good at cultivating friendships, preparing events, timing gatherings, and creating a space and context in which people are primed to _see_ one another. I eventually learned that there are very few people who can see you truly because they're like you

but that's OK. you should give the people around you credit as humans that you can still talk with, party with, exchange ideas with and love. you just have to set the stage. and TBH there's no guarantee you'll recognize someone that's like you anyway, we're pretty bad at that

someone who is one of my best friends now I completely dismissed out of hand because of how we met randomly. it wasn't until I was locked in a car with her for 2 hours on a road trip that we became instant besties as we realized we had TONS in common--which I missed completely

but most importantly what I learned was that there's no magic wand that will give you the accolades, experiences, or _something_ that will make you _feel_ like you belong. most spaces are fabricated for the wide masses to get along without recognition of your intricate experience

belonging, for me, has always been found by intentionally cultivating and creating spaces, conversations, and by paying very close attention--or by being lucky enough to have connection hit me over the head when I'm being a dismissive fool

so if you feel like you don't belong my advice would be just: don't let that tell you anything about your worth. the default structures of social life are unlikely to be designed for you. instead, go and pay tender attention to the people who seem to call to you without speaking.