I lived in downtown Kansas City from the summer of 2002 to the summer of 2005. Moved there after accepting my first faculty position out of grad school. I liked my department colleagues, but the institution (and location) were not a good fit. 1/n

Living downtown was kind of nice, though KCMO was nowhere near as developed then as it is now, so going for a walk downtown was a lonely experience. The buildings are beautiful, though. 2/n

Getting to know this city up close by walking around day after day for no purpose other than to go walking, I could see evidence that it was -- decades earlier -- a very sophisticated, important metropolis. "The Paris of the Plains," indeed. 3/n

I lived on same street as this amazing public library: https://kclibrary.org/library-locations/central-library

Walked to this historic bar/restaurant in 5 min:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Savoy_Hotel_and_Grill

On the weekends, strolled down to this wonderful farmers market for coffee, bagels, & groceries:
https://thecitymarketkc.org/farmers-market/  4/n

And felt so fecking frustrated that in the context of such a great situation --working at what was supposed to be a good tenure-track job, living in a big American city experiencing a 21st-c rebirth -- I was just miserable. 5/n

Depression follows no logic, can be immune to circumstance and good fortune. And no matter what I did, it seemed, I couldn't break free. After awhile, it can change you enough that someone you love can decide they no longer want to be married to you. 6/n

So I left KC. Had the unbelievable good fortune to land *a second* tenure track job. It took years of work on myself to feel better, but I am happier now. 14 years in a medium-sized South Carolina town. Teaching a 4/4 load (usually) at a regional comprehensive university. 7/n

When I think of those years in Kansas City, I usually feel sad nostalgia, wishing I could have been happier, had lived in an alternate reality where things worked out. But I am unable to imagine what that would look like. I'm glad I'm in this reality. 8/n

Early this morning, walking in the almost-fall cool air on campus, I caught the smell of simmering beans from the cafeteria, and it reminded me of walking by the Mexican restaurant in my old neighborhood in Kansas City.

And all of these thoughts and feelings came back. 9/9