Yesterday, I received some interesting news. It didn’t come as a surprise – it’s something I’ve suspected for a long time – but now it’s been confirmed.

I am autistic. 1/9

I am so, so happy and relieved to have this diagnosis. Although you might not know it to look at me (or perhaps you do – perhaps it’s more obvious than I think!) I’ve always struggled with things other people don’t, especially social and sensory stuff. 2/9

As a young child I was told I had “behavioural problems” and struggled horribly at school, but in the 80s and 90s the general consensus was that “girls aren’t autistic” as the tests were – and still are – based on a male-biased model. 3/9

Autistic girls and women often present very differently to boys and men, and as we get older we can become particularly good at something called “masking”, where we learn to imitate socially appropriate behaviour, allowing us to fit in better. 4/9

But masking is *exhausting* – the assessor I had my appointment w/yesterday confirmed something else I already suspected, which is that my #CFSME is connected to my autism, & likely a result of having to spend my whole life having to consciously work out how to “act normal”. 5/9

& underlying the masking – for me, anyway – is a constant sense that, despite my best efforts, I’m still not very good at being a human. It's like having a computer programme running in my head, one that watches and analyses everything I do to check I’m not being “weird”. 6/9

I’m always aware of this, and it uses up a LOT of energy. No wonder I’m so bloody tired! But I’m not complaining. I have an amazing family; a brilliant husband; wonderful friends, all of whom who accept me for who I am. I have my beautiful dog, who is my heart and soul. 7/9

What I hope this diagnosis means is that I can be kinder to myself, not only now but to the child I used to be; the one who didn’t understand how to navigate through life and often – so often! – got things badly wrong. 8/9

I’ve often struggled to come to terms with this and for a long time was convinced I was a horrible person; now I know that’s not the case. Not sure what else to say, so I’ll end this thread here. But if anyone wants to chat I’m happy to answer here or via DMs. xx 9/9