when transformers get colds they blow smoke and carbon monoxide out of their... barrels/smokestacks/whatever transformation jargon have you

i have to tell the story behind this stupid headcanon lmao ok so. tldr. was listening to we don't talk anymore on repeat thinking about jazz and optimus, both nursing broken hearts after post-war relationships aren't as easy slot-together as they'd hoped (megop jazzwave) and they

get invites to megatron and soundwave's conjunx endura ceremony and they're GUTTED. lots of moping together. optimus quiet and forlorn and very distant and distracted, and jazz ranting (in the strict privacy of his best friends op ratch and prowl) while making hand gestures

megatron and soundwave arrive back on cybertron (i guess they've been away working on uhh stuff) and op and jazz are both determined to get thru it with no taylor swift speak now/shrek i object scenes going down. they're adults and they'll deal w it properly— NOPE nice thought

after like two or three meetings where the'yre both SO awkward (op is in the throes of grief w puppy dog eyes abound, jazz is curt and closed off and refuses to make eye contact) and then op is like OKAY I GIVE UP MEGATRON HOLD ON

gives this super painful heartrending confession essentially begging mg to tell him directly that they have no chance anymore. bc, in op's words, 'i'll never be able to love someone with such depth and honesty and [finally looks up] entirety of spark... as i do you"

meg is standing there UTTERLY dumbfounded until he goes up and hugs op and is like "OKAY BREAK'S OVER LETS DATE AGAIN" and op is like ?/!?//? *confused wall-e sounds* bc what abt him and soundwave??? and meg finally understands that op and jazz think he and sw are CONJUNX endura

gently pats op like "you're shaking, beloved" bc op is very emotionally drained at this point. op is confused but kinda too relieved to even question anything. (berating himself on some level bc 'how dare you condone meg potentially cucking sw, very bad prime, very bad indeed')

then meg puts two and two together and pauses while he thinks this through (didn't conquer half the galaxy by thinking aloud). finally mutters darkly "both you and that one, jazz, think this? soundwave's jazz?" op has to be like 'idk if its appropriate to call him that but yeah?'

megatron winces "someone should tell soundwave that. he came here with the singleminded intention of... wooing him, as it were"
star wars scene transition to soundwave repeatedly trying to give jazz flowers before making an impassioned speech and getting doors slammed in his face

at one point jazz walks thru the rain (???) to get away w sw and gives himself a cold. ends up getting propositioned/proposed to/cornered in an alley and aggressively romanced while he's sniffling. very upset about it w the 1% of his processor not overjoyed

epilogue 1: [two months earlier] megatron walks into the office and throws a datapad on soundwave's desk. 'he fucked it up. starscream had one job and he's gone and ordered conjunx endura cards instead of amica endura cards'. ends w some vague comment abt sending out corrections

megatron says 'im sure they'll reach in time'
we, the readers, know they dont

epilogue 2: starscream on the phone with an angry megatorn berating him for almost costing him 'his prime' (starscream holds back audible gagging for politeness' sake). is like 'yes yes my mistake yes yes'
meg finally hands up and starscream turns to smirk at the camera

we the audience now realise this machiavellian egotist orchestrated all of this and did it on purpose and even more ludicrously, it all went according to plan. starscream SHOULD have led the decepticons. he's a genius and secretly DOES love his friends. the end