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cis folks: fwiw one of the best things you can do to support trans people is learn to reckon with the ways you make excuses for transphobia! i say this gently and with love but you guys... even when youâre well-meaning.... sometimes... you do this
itâs not that i donât get where youâre coming from when you say, âoh, old people just donât get itâ or âheâs a nice guy really, heâs just misgendering you because heâs forgetfulâ or âthat author just needs to talk to some trans people!â or whatever. i do. i get it.
honestly i was like you at one point! it sucks and i hate it and iâm super ashamed of it now, but for sure i said this kind of thing for years. when i thought i was cis i was thoughtlessly willing to extend ENDLESS sympathy and understanding for... other cis people.
and i thought i was extending it to trans people too! but i wasnât, not really. i was thinking, âwell, but so long as cis people are TRYING to do their best, thatâs all anyone can really ask of them, right?â and that seemed like the truth! but... it was not.
because the truth is, SO many things transphobes frame as âtrans people asking for too muchâ are actually things cis people do for other cis people all the time?? just like basic courtesy stuff thatâs already baked into society??
i think one of the best ways to break through internalized bias and determine whether or not something is transphobic from the outside is to think about how youâd react to the same behavior *between cis people*.
if you read an r/AITA post by someone cis that said âi go by a name other than my given name (a nickname or w/e) but my MIL insists on calling me by my given name even though i hate it & have repeatedly asked her not to,â youâd immediately think the MIL was the asshole, yes?
if a cis person were to accidentally misgender another cis person â which happens all the time! â and, upon being corrected, insist in fact they spoke the TRUTH and it was the misgendered person who was wrong about THEIR OWN GENDER, you would be like âwow, wtf,â wouldnât you?
if you watched a cis coworker walk up to another cis coworker and say, âso tell me about your genitals. howâs it looking down there? you thinking about getting any surgeries?â youâd be horrified, would you not? shocked by this disgusting behavior?
obviously there are some situations where cis people do their best and itâs not great but thatâs fine (i would never dream of holding this kind of thing against someone with degenerative cognitive issues, for example). life is complicated and requires nuance!
but by and large the excuses cis people make for transphobia are provably bullshit, because most of transphobia is just cis people refusing to apply the already existing rules of respectful society and interpersonal interaction to trans folks.
trans people arenât being âtoo sensitiveâ bc we want to be gendered correctly, called by the right name, treated w/ respect; thatâs being a person. you, cis people, you want that too! itâs just that you usually get it, so you donât know how dehumanizing it can be to live without.
cis people mostly arenât too old or too forgetful or too out of touch or too afraid of change or too whatever else to respect trans people. they already know how to do it! it is in almost every way the same as respecting cis people! if they donât do it itâs bc they donât want to.
and when you, other cis people (however well-meaning), extend the benefit of the doubt to transphobes and not to us trans people? the message we receive is âi donât think you really deserve to have the rules of decency that apply to everyone else apply to you, too.â that sucks.
these are interesting times we live in, and itâs not easy for anyone right now. but if you really want to support trans people â please. open your eyes. try to see whatâs really there. push back against the transphobes in your life; stop making excuses for them.
and if you canât do that, then at least â at very least! â try to look inward the next time you want to make an excuse for someone transphobic. why do you want to do that? would you feel the same impulse if the person they were antagonizing was cis? you might be surprised.
wow more people that i expected have engaged with this thread; thanks for reading! iâm still getting rejected from jobs lmao, if you can spare a tip iâd enormously appreciate it but no worries if not!! venmo @ dylanthyme or http://ko-fi.com/dylanthyme
