Thread by @adrndm, 4 days ago I was released from the hospital after my 13th [...]

4 days ago I was released from the hospital after my 13th suicide attempt.

I don't really remember the actual moment I overdosed, but I woke up vomiting on myself realizing what I'd done, took me another 2 hours to call the ambulance on myself.

Life's harsh, isn't it?

I find the fear of a psychiatric ward can be very intense for those who've never been in it, and the stigma surrounding it is quite dense, but, the experience was a nice getaway honestly.

Things/People I'll honestly miss from the ward:
1. Listening to Kak Ju and Auntie Ai reading al-Mulk every night.
2. The nurses and patients complimenting my watermelon socks
3. Reading Yaasin with Kak Ju when she baru habis ECT and lost her memory for a bit

4. Aunty A who would wake up at 6am everyday and shout "AAAAAAAAAHHHH L*NNNNCIAOOOOO AHHHHHH" for god knows what reason, but it annoying made us laugh
5. How I had to introduce myself to her 5 times cause shes an old lady with dementia
6. How she told me she loved my skin

7. How she didnt understand english and I said "NI LENGGGG LUIIIIII AHH!!" to her and she was so happy, and since she had dementia I did it all the time just to see her smile
8. Nurses helping me do my sudoku and crossword puzzles throughout the day or before I sleep at night

9. How I made friends with the cleaners and food lady and they always laughed or smiled when they saw me
10. How I'd hug Kak Hany , the cleaner, every day when she arrived to work and left from work
11. How Kak Hany told my mother I have a good heart, and how she told me -

- that walaupun my soul n brain are distressed, and that despite my illness and struggles and ujian in my life I have a kind heart that loves to share kindness and hugs
12. How she teared up when I told her to look for me when she gets to Heaven

Things I learnt :
1. To be even more angry at people who say psychiatric patients takde iman, cause I saw people reading qur'an nearly all the time, crying their eyes out doa to Allah to cure them, solat 5 waktu, ajak solat jemaah, ajak baca quran semua biarpun dlm wad psikiatrik

2. I met someone who was raped by an ustaz and was too traumatized to solat, talked to me and cried about how solat reminds her of her trauma and she misses solat and she wants to solat but her heart breaks and she loses control and goes crazy when she does

3. There was another patient who was raped, her trauma made her constantly want to shove things inside herself, she loses control of her body, siap the cebok she inserted inside herself and would cry, it was scary, but my goodness.. the trauma she must be in

4. Met some patients who just tertinggal makan ubat and lose control, relapse and need to be warded just to stay safe because sometimes they might hurt themselves by accident, like how I tried to kill myself when I wasnt in control of my body

Also i loved how Aunty C was talking to someone else about me and she said "I look to look at Adrini, her face is very pleasant looking"

or how the nurses kept commenting on my skincare routine cause i would put lotion and stuff on lepas mandi and they found it so amusing

I'll miss how Aunty Ju tiba2 malam jumaat looked at me and went "YA ALLAHHH.. BERKATILAH ADRINI DENGAN SUAMI YANG BAIKKK, A GOOOD AND COMPATIBLE HUSBAND AND CHILDRENNNNNN YANG SOLEH SOLEHAHHH"

but the next day i brought it up but she laughed sbb dia tak ingat what she did lolol

I'll smile back on how I was talking to another patient about how I love milk , and she gave me strawberry milk :)

and how another patient shared her cheesecakes with us , and how i saw Mel eating cake by the pantry at what felt like 3am and we laughed

or how i hugged a patient goodbye but i tutup langsir sbb tak pakai tudung but then a male doctor came and called my named and we legit SCREAMED AND PANICKED and we were like "JAP JAP TUDUNG WEI DR TUNGGU KITA NAK PELUK DULU KEJAP CARI TUDUNG SIJFJANSDGKJGF"

we also had to ration our toilet paper, so we joked about what our life has become, macam zombie apocalypse, toilet roll pun kita asingkan dgn geng haha

or how Zhi only spoke chinese before she did ECT and she kept thinking my friends name was Hannah, and we kept on using broken mandarin and went on going " Wo mou Hannah"
"Wo hen Aisya"
"Wo mm hanna"

and all the other chinese patients were laughing at our broken mandarin

I'll miss that one night seven of us gathered on two beds, took our ubat and told each other to lawan the mengantuk effect and we all laughed the night away getting "mengantuk high" on our ubat, laughing about every little thing, like how one of the other patient-

- yg jerit sounded like Kevin from Up and we laughed and felt bad but laughed

I'll miss how one of my ward friends punya brother bought KyoChon for everyone worth hundreds and we went around the ward offering chicken to every single patient and made so many new friends <3 we als ostayed up, solat, and baca qur'an together and chatted the night away <3

There was also a lady who spoke like she was from harry potter, i loved her so much she was such a dear, she hugged me goodbye, wrote me a letter and left it on my counter while i was asleep, kissed my head and said "Thank you, you've been like a sister to me in here"

I love how other patients wrote poems, kata2 and doa in my books, and how they made me origami hearts that wrote things like " You are super strong, love you long time!" and " We believe in your strenght"

And poems about being kind to others, forgiving and -

about how the best thing you can do for yourself during a mental illness relapse, is to not hurt yourself <3

I loved how on the days I cried on my bed under my selimut, the other patients came by and gave me a hug, asked me whats wrong invited me to join the color some books and play saidina, or scrabbel

I love how theres so much love in a psychiatric ward, everyone understands each others pain, we don't judge nor hurt one another. It's the safest place to be.

Yet, the public is scared of it.

Dont get me wrong, there are sometimes, but rarely, the patients who hurt others, who are aggressive and violent, now those are put in separate wards usually, but the typical psychiatric wards in hospitals are for cases like me, we hurt, we lose control, we sometimes hear-

-voices in our heads, we forget what we do, we cry a lot, we hurt ourselves out of nowhere, etc. but, we still hug, we still give love, empathy, sympathy to those who need it.

We share love because we know what its like to live without it.

Negative things is just that, when you are suicidal, the nurses do their job and attempt to follow you into the toilet, which i never let them and always, everytime i nak mandi, have to give the nurses assurance over and over that i wont hurt myself on purpose when im alone

then again, theyre just making sure im okay, its just like... a bit... intrusive to follow me into the toilet, like geez.

I also will miss how I couldnt eat much because my liver was damaged and my intestines were bengkak, so when my family brought me food, the other patients would take all my biscuits, and nachos, and popcorn, and my table would just be the store room for em haha

the psych ward is the easiest place to make friends, its like " so.. why r u here?"

"i tried to kill myself"

"OMG SAMEEEEE"

and then its hugs, and acceptance, and sharing stories, and one another helping each other through pain.

its not judgement, or telling one another youre going to hell and that youre shitty and worth nothing and have no knowledge and blabla, its supporting you to be stronger and helping you believe you can be better, helping you stand up on your two feet after falling to ur lowest

ill honestly miss my friends in the psych ward. the love and support i received from them is nearly nothing to what i've received in my real life. the hugs the care the prayers from a psych ward are genuine, you know youre around people you can trust, and thats a nice feeling

not my first time in a psych ward, hopefully will be my last.
in the sense of my suicide attempt, I cant deny there was a part in me that thought of wanting to die, but during the act itself, it was far from me in my body, i watched myself take those pills and told myself-

- cried my eyes out and screamed louder than ive ever screamed or cried before in my life, in my head just screaming and telling myself not to kill myself, but i took those pills anyway. and i couldnt stop it. i couldnt control it. it wasnt a choice i made. i didnt want to die

I fell asleep in the car, because i felt like I had nowhere to live and nowhere to go.

When I woke up, i was finally in control of my body again and i panicked, i remember screaming at myself, realizing i played sayyidul istighfar in the background, and i shouted at myself -

- i screamed out loud " I dont want to die" And i cried, i cried like hell. i cried so bloody loud i didnt know i could even cry that much, but then the pills were already in me, so what was i to do?

i kept vomitting, i screamed and cried and begged for someone to just save me, but noone was coming, noone knew where i was, so i cried, and prayed, i turned sayyidul istighfar off and i prayed to Allah so hard that the pills wouldnt kill me.

two hours of shouting and crying and vomiting, i called the ambulance, told them i was dizzy, falling asleep, that i can barely breathe and that my stomach hurts like crazy.

when the ambulance came i couldnt walk, i was half unconsious during the ambulance ride, i barely remember it, but i remember my mom being there crying on me, " dont do this to mama, dont make mama sad"

and then i heard my dad, calling me weak.

I was on IV drips for both of my hands for hours on end, was in the medical ward before the psychiatric ward.

my liver is better now, intestines, stomach is too, i have more blood tests to take to review my condition.

During my time in the hospital, my parents stopped talking to each other, my father moved out of the house, many other things happened, but honestly, my health is my priority right now.

now that im home, guess i need to get used to living without a father.

besides that, i guess life is good.

i keep telling myself that.

Life is good.
Allah is good.
Everything happens for a reason.
Allah knows.

but it hurts.
it still, hurts like hell.

but hey, at least im getting a hug from adibah noor :D

https://twitter.com/_ixirnad/status/1304403655722823687?s=19

https://twitter.com/_ixirnad/status/1304403655722823687?s=19

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