something I've been thinking about a lot recently is what it means to be "socialised as female/male" in different societies, and whether our intrinsic knowledge of our own genders affects what we get out of attempts to socialise us one way or another.

I have three brothers and two sisters and my dad has always been very big on chivalry. if we went out together, he always carried my bags. if my brothers and sisters and I were going somewhere, my dad would expect my brothers to carry things, open doors, etc.

I don't want to argue over whether men should open doors or pull out seats for women. that's not the point.

what strikes me is that even as a child, I found myself internalising the lessons my dad intended for my brothers.

at first I thought that maybe I was just internalising ideas about how to be good to people. I mean, you should give up your seat on the bus for someone who needs it more, right? and it's polite to hold doors or offer to help carry things no matter what your gender.

but I look back now and think: there was a part of me that thought those lessons were meant for me because my dad made it clear that this was how gentlemen behaved, and a part of me wanted to be a gentleman.

I'm not saying my sisters don't hold doors. but the lessons my dad intended specifically for my brothers seem to have sunk in with me in a way that goes beyond just simple courtesy. I think that even back then, I wanted to learn how to be a gentleman.

my dad preferred braces over belts. I prefer braces over belts. my dad had very particular and strongly-expressed views about male grooming and presentation that I picked up without consciously meaning to.

kids know who they are long before they have the language to express what they feel. I knew as a kid that I wasn't a girl; I just didn't know there were words for it.

I was called a tomboy a lot and that never felt right, because a tomboy is a girl who acts like a boy and there's a false premise, right there. but nobody gave me any other ways of describing what I was feeling.

so going back to socialisation, when we say that trans women are "socialised male"...I'm not so sure they are? I think trans kids take cues from their environments that they think are meant for them, and a trans girl will pick up cues about how women in her society behave.

she might not realise that's what she's doing, but I think a trans girl will subconsciously ignore some or many or all of the messages meant for boys, and subconsciously pick up messages broadcast in her vicinity that are meant for girls.

the people broadcasting those messages might not be aware of who's in their audience. I don't think my father ever intended for me to pick up on the cues he was aiming at my brothers. it just happened because a part of me felt like they were something I should be learning.

I'm not a man, or...not exactly, but if you forced me to choose between whether I felt more masculine or more feminine, I'd probably choose the former. and even my ideas about femininity are strongly rooted in a desire to perform femininity from a masculine perspective.

I love feminine things, but when I wear makeup, I don't feel like a woman wearing makeup; I feel like a masculine person performing femininity. I don't know how to describe the difference to anyone who's never experienced it themselves. I just know that's what I'm doing.

and the *meaning* that femininity holds for me - and it does mean a lot to me, actually, and is a pretty significant part of my outer expression of myself - is just...different than it would be if I were a woman. I don't know how I know that, just that I do.

my dad always approached grooming in a very ritualistic way. he had a way he liked doing things and he spent a lot of time and effort getting them just right. I feel like that when I choose an outfit or wear makeup or do my hair. it's nice. it's like rebuilding myself daily.

does that make sense? the ritual of grooming and presentation is a ritual of creation. I remember my dad meticulously trimming his beard, tying his tie, shining his shoes. it was how he became himself every day before he left the house. that's how I feel about my rituals.

I don't think he ever intended for me to wear neckties (though he is the person who taught me how to tie one) or braces, and he definitely never expected me to wear my hair short like his. I just kind of, well, picked it up. part of me knew I was watching something important.

and of course, tying neckties and holding doors don't make you a man, but they're part of how we socialise men in the particular society in which I grew up, just like we socialise women to be deferent and discreet, or to take on caring roles in their peer and work groups.

for better or worse, I learnt what being a man was from my dad, and even though I didn't know at the time, I paid attention because there was something in me that felt like those lessons applied to me more than the lessons about being a woman.

I think trans kids know. and I think we can't say that trans men are socialised female or trans women are socialised male because I don't think that's true. I think we can *try* to socialise them one way or another, but they'll pick up what feels important to them.

my parents didn't intend to raise three sons, two daughters and one transmasculine person, but it happened. they thought they were raising three sons and three daughters, but they were not in possession of all the facts. and I think maybe that's actually fine?

my relationship with my gender is obviously a personal thing, but I don't think I'm the only kid who picked up on the signals that felt intended for me, not necessarily the ones that *were* intended for me. when we talk about socialisation, I think we need to keep that in mind.