I feel like my life is stagnate despite trying so hard and I feel like a complete fuck up in almost every social regard that I'm starting to lose my sense of identity in who I really am and wanna portray. I feel like that that just leads to a negative self-fulling prophecy.

I genuinely struggle with people saying they like me or accepting that I'm cool and it almost makes me feel afraid.

I feel like I have to act a certain way and be a certain way and I don't do well in larger groups. And then I become less in control and get anxious and feel less in control and more anxious.

I used to deflect compliments because they made me feel uncomfortable due to the abuse I went through when I was younger. Then I stopped accepting them out of humility. And now I stopped accepting them because, like, I feel like there's an expectation for me that I don't know.

Like, am I who I am? Or what others want me to be? What do others want from me?

This thread is probably going to make me feel worse.

I don't wanna invest time or effort into others (even though I do and will). I don't wanna invest time into myself. I don't wanna invest time and effort in general even though I'm continually doing and receiving rejection and dejection in return.

Everything feels so draining....