Cw: Mental Health, Bigotry, Social Issues, Autism, Bullying, Suicide, Divorce, Representation and Me

I really wish there was more discourse and discussion regarding the struggles faced by neurodiverse people within society. (1/?)

As an autistic person it is exhausting having to explain that, yes, just like how the system discriminates against people for their gender, race, and sexual orientation it also discriminates against those who are neurodiverse. (2/?)

This is part of the reason why Ableism is still such a huge issue, many don't even see it. Neurotypical people don't understand that there is a privilege that comes from having your mind work that way (3/?)

In my case, I have significant social issues. I can not read people to save my life so I'm easily taken advantage of or find myself stumbling to handle conversations with a stranger. Haircuts are the worst and I cut my hair super shot just to avoid going too often. (3/?)

If I'm in a crowded place with a lot of people? There is a real danger I may have a panic attack which causes me to freeze while my cognitive functioning to static. I hyperventilate and I can't even move. I've had to get good at hiding them so I don't scare others (4/?)

I was bullied relentlessly growing up. Because I couldn't stand up for myself, because I was "that weird kid" and because I'd be obsessed with some cartoon or game, I was an acceptable target for the other kids to go after. Some of it was honestly straight up barbaric (5/?)

I'd be beaten, locked in rooms and lockers, have stuff stolen, be manipulated into falling for mean spirited pranks and have artwork I created torn apart in front of me. To make it worse, the bullies would then frame me, accuse me of misbehavior, and I'd be punished (6/?)

I was sent to the principles, nearly suspended, and accused of stuff fairly often. I cried a lot as a kid and developed a deep rooted hated for myself. Since many of my harshest tormentors were girls, it also made me afraid of approaching them in fear of being mocked (7/?)

For example, one time after a swimming lesson I was waiting in the hall while the rest if the class got dressed. I walked down a bit to look at the Trophies and read while I waited. Before I knew it, I was smacked in the head. One of the girls hit me. When asked by (8/?)

By a teacher what happened, she accused me of looking for the girls locker room. I tried to protect but was in shock and was not able to speak. I was grabbed by the arm and dragged to the principles. The girl never faced any consequences. (9/?)

Another time while I was in Boy Scouts, while on a camping trip, the Troop leaders left to attend a meeting. During this the other Scouts lead me into the forest and then tied be up with duct tape. I was left on the ground gagged and tied up for hours until (10/?)

A leader from a different troop found me and untied me. Another time I had a ball made of wet heavy paper towels (the thick brown kind) thrown in my face. It almost broke my nose.
These things happened often and the justification was always "he is a wierdo". (11/?)

By 6th grade, I literally hated myself. I found myself assuming the worst all time time. The few friends I had all began to bully me as well, and I'd spend my lunches alone in a corner trying not to cry. Despite this, anytime I saw anyone upset, even my bullies, I'd feel (12/?)

Sorry for them. Ofcourse, this too was taken advantage of. I'd have people trick me into thinking they were hurt before turning around and pranking me. Honestly I contemplated suicide a few times because of everything, but I always convinced myself not to (13/?)

Mostly thanks to friends I made online around 2001-2003. Friends I still talk to regularly and now love like family. This didn't stop the bullying, but atleast I had friends at home. Eventually I resorted to dark humor and acting "creepy" to get bullies to leave me alone (14/?)

I won't go I to college too much other then the programs to help autistic people were mostly nonexistent. I met once a week with a councilor (who turned out to be a molester later) and most of the conversations were uncomfortable and revolved around making me "normal" (15/?)

Eventually when I graduated and started working, my biggest struggle was social interactions. Trying to interview for a job when talking to strangers is already emotionally exhausting is a nightmare. It takes a lot of willpower for me to make it through one interview (16/?)

When I finally am hired, in all the jobs I've had, I've found myself taken advantage of. Because I am unable to read people's intentions I'd be lead to believe I was safe only to learn inwas being used. I'd be tricked into working extra hours, performing extra tasks (17/?)

And being the "fall guy" if there was a problem. I was fired from a job at a gas station because someone drove off without paying for their gas (this was before this place switched to prepay) while I was washing dishes. I was tricked into calling it in and the next day (18/?)

I was out of a job (I am honestly still bitter about that to this day @StewartsShops) there are other examples of this that have happened over the course of my life. The most shattering thing for me was probably mh abusive relationship with my ex, who I meet in 2011 (19/?)

She was legit the first woman who ever made me feel anything akin to being desired, but ultimately this too was a ploy. She took advantage of my inability to read her to emotionally manipulate and abuse me for 7 years, only leaving me after I was no longer useful to her (20/?)

She would berate and yell at me, call me various things I would rather not repeat, and sometimes even would get physical. For some reason, I thought this was normal. I accepted it and found myself putting all my dreams aside for her. (21/?)

In a sense, I lost 7 years of my life giving everything to her while she ensured that I felt grateful just to be "wanted". She left me in 2018 and I only now am feeling anything close to okay. I try to use dark humor and self aimed jokes to deal (22/?)

But the problem here is that to those not familisr with me, it makes me come off as creepy or gross. This, honestly just makes me hate myself more. It's why I recently swore off that humor to break that cycle. Still, it comes with new challenges (23/?)

Before I used these jokes as a crutch, a way to ease my own pain and embarrassment so I wouldn't panic if I messed up. Now, if I do anything to upset anyone, I find myself panicking, desperately trying to make up for it and make amends, even over silly offensives. (24/?)

This kinda leads me to where I am now. Trying to find a new job since I lost mine in March thanks to COVID.

Trying to learn to handle my austic anxieties so that I can be independant. Trying to get better at reading people so I won't be taken advantage of again. (25/?)

I think this is why I stayed with my ex and long as I did. Despite everything, I do work better when I have a partner to support me and help me through my anxiety and panic attacks. It just was just unfortunate that the partner I had used those things as a tool against me (26/?)

If you read all this, thank you. My goal here is to hopefully make people aware of the struggles that come with being neurodiverse. I feel it is something that even now is not discussed enough in the fight for equality. (27/28)

If anyone would like to ask any questions about my experiance I'd be happy to answer. I'd also note that all austic people are different so other's may have experiances that vastly differ from mine. Please listen to them. Their stories need to be learned from.