ok i can feel myself slipping into an episode so this is gonna be me describing, to the best of my ability, what i feel with depersonalization-derealization disorder
i strongly suggest not reading this if you have it as well as it may be incredibly triggering so yeah be careful

disclaimer i have several mental illnesses so if something i say doesn’t correlate to DDD but to something else feel free to point it out i may have my wires crossed i’m not saying this is definitively how it feels for everyone it’s just how it feels for me

it feels like i’m as light as air like i can’t feel my entire body, not that it’s numb, because even feeling numb is feeling something, it feels like Nothing. but at the same time it’s like i can feel my bones touching the insides of my skin i’m hyper aware of how i feel inside +

but everything outside feels gone. you know that feeling when you let yourself float in water and you close your eyes but the sun still gets through but it’s like you don’t register it? that’s how it feels most of the time for me. this sense of weightlessness but it’s not +

calming
if anything in this thread sounds like i’m romanticizing DDD just know that’s not my intention because all of what i’m saying is fueled with my intense hatred of this disorder
of everything i have this has fucked me up the most and i would never act like it’s good +

nothing feels real most of the time. just like it’s something that’s happening. not to me or anyone else just something that simply Is. sometimes i’ll feel so completely disconnected i feel the only way out is to make things feel real no matter what +

i get the overwhelming urge,
when behind the wheel, to randomly floor it or steer towards an object just to prove to my mind that i’m real. that i can feel. people say “doing () just to feel” and like i find it funny but it’s also true for me +

i have hurt myself several times in an attempt to feel something. pain doesn’t register, it’s just another thing that’s happening, but for a short amount of time my mind connects to my body and is there. the sight of the scars helps me to realize that what i does changes things +

that things i do are real and have an effect. it’s only a temporary ‘fix’, if you can even call it that, and after my episode is over i’m just filled with a sense of disgust that i was so weak and careless. but at the time it seems like the only thing i Can do. +

the moments when you’re floating in the water and you close your eyes and for a second it feels like there’s nothing surrounding you. that it’s just you and everything else is there but gone. it’s like that but constantly and if you always felt like you were floating +

you’d eventually want to touch ground again. to know you can touch the ground. but i can’t touch the ground and it feels like i’m always floating trying my absolute darndest to push myself down and plant my feet on the ground but the air pushes me up +

it’s like being trapped in zero gravity it sounds neat but eventually you begin to feel like there’s nothing else. you forget what it feels like to be on the ground. that’s how i feel like ,, all the time. it’s gotten better since i got put on medicine but it’s still there +

in the back of my mind. when i drive at night and i can’t see the road ahead and there’s music in the background it feels like a never ending moment of nothingness. like a loading screen in a game. i move but i go nowhere. i move but only the same moves in the same places +

at this point i doubt anyone is reading but if you are i’d like to say if any of this sounds like poetic it’s not purposeful i’m literally writing my thoughts as they come into my head. this is me with zero filter in the beginning of an episode. +

today it was the driving at night that triggered it. it felt like i wasn’t moving no matter how fast i went. id space out and miss songs and when i did hear them i couldn’t find the energy to sing along like i always do. +

it’s like no matter how fast you go, how much you hurt, whatever, you don’t make any progress. it’s a time loop of nothing and you want something but something just feels like nothing because everything feels like nothing +

also if it sounds like i’m tryna be deep woah edgy i’m really not like i just have a hard time stringing together my feelings in a coherent way. anyways .... to the next day which won’t feel like a new day but rather a day like today that’s just a day. no meaning behind the word+

simply a passing of time i can’t comprehend or i always feel i’m behind on.