Let’s talk about rejection sensitive Dysphoria. I now have a name for a thing I’ve experienced my whole life. Today Ian and I were having a conversation with his mum. It doesn’t matter what about except I was talking more passionately and more honestly than anyone else.

Ian changed the subject and I felt winded. I felt like I’d said something wrong. I apologised. I wanted to say sorry as she left. I want to text and say I was sorry after she went.

I talked to Ian and said I felt like I’d done something wrong. He didn’t even know what I meant. Turned out I wasn’t making eye contact so I didn’t notice she was crying (and she was crying because it was making her think about things she usually doesn’t)

So while the conmunication was a bit problematic (should probably take note of people’s faces when being so honest) it was literally Ian didn’t want his mum to cry.

I didn’t MAKE her cry either. I didn’t do anything wrong. Ian said it was just time to move on the conversation and I hadn’t noticed.

So yeah I hadn’t done anything wrong. She wasn’t mad, I made Ian tell me if she was or not and he said of course not, like knowing that is the easiest thing in the world.

Whenever we see his family I have a little report - did I say anything weird? Did I talk too much? Do they hate me? Am I a good wife? Am I a good person?

I wish I didn’t have to ask him all that, for my sake and his sake, but it stops the chatter in my brain because I trust him. He’s told me when I HAVE been weird

Basically rejection sensitive Dysphoria, whej it comes to Ian’s family, is the constant fear I’ve done something wrong and they’re all going to hate me and take Ian away.