no one talks about how if you have a developmental disorder like adhd or autism, because it impacts literally EVERYTHING you do its pretty easy to believe you dont have it? like, i dont "feel" like i have autism at all, ive had to learn my traits bc i just dont notice i have them

but because a lot of my behavior is fundamentally different from my neurotypical peers and i demonstrate a ton of autistic traits, i have autism. something i failed to understand all my life was that you cant always... feel autistic like you would feel like another disorder?

i "feel" completely neurotypical, besides just generally feeling weird in relation to other people, and that's literally been it for me, i just feel like i dont relate to neurotypicals at all. i dont feel like i have autism at all, ive had to learn to recognize my symptoms

my stepdad is absolutely autistic and i dont think he knows? he's always seemed really really familiar to me and now after growing older and leaving his house i absolutely recognize it in him, i can do it for other people but when it comes to myself i just dont feel autistic tbh

i was able to figure out i have adhd fairly easily because of my emotional dysregulation issues, also when i finally got my hormones right and stopped being exhausted i felt a burst of hyperactivity and now i fidget and move around constantly but my autism diagnosis feels foreign

i KNOW i have autism though, like well, you guys cant see me rn but i mean... look at me? but i wasnt able to really "get it" until i was older and after i started hrt when my brain fog just cleared up far more and i was able to actually notice and was like, "oh YEAH I have it"

but even now i still dont feel autistic despite very obviously having it so it's a really uncomfortable experience for me since i have trouble relating to other autistic folks and maybe its bc im kinda high functioning but also maybe its bc autism is just different for everybody?

literally the biggest stepping stone for me in figuring out, "YES YOU DO HAVE AUTISM" was that i have echolalia and i'll just loop songs over and over and over in my head, i literally cannot get Donna Lee or Oleo out of my head even though i dont even play jazz music anymore