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The deeper I’ve gotten into my 30s the harder it seems like relationships have gotten. Everything I thought I learned about relationships feels wrong, and it’s left me feeling like I need training wheels.
I have survived because of how well I’ve adapted. But adapting to dysfunction (read: my parents’ unprocessed trauma that has shaped me) has left me ill-equipped for my adult relationships.
We are all out here having survived abandonment and emotional neglect because our culture (capitalism, patriarchy misogyny, misogynoir, anti-Blackness, anti-lgbtq etc etc) has made opus ashamed of our need for each other.
Taking up space without guilt, while cultivating a healthy empathy and compassion for others.
This is the main work of relating as an adult. It’s hard as hell!
This is the main work of relating as an adult. It’s hard as hell!
About hat taking up space bit...
Raise your hand if there was no room for your feelings in your relationships with your caregivers...
Raise your hand if there was no room for your feelings in your relationships with your caregivers...
What did your caregivers response to your expressions of pain/grief/disappointment/anger teach you about relationships?
You are entitled to having your pain acknowledged.
Your pain, disappointment, and grief are real. And when it’s ignored or rationalized away you slowly lose the ability to recognize when you’re experiencing those feelings.
Can you recognize when you’re experiencing grief etc?
Your pain, disappointment, and grief are real. And when it’s ignored or rationalized away you slowly lose the ability to recognize when you’re experiencing those feelings.
Can you recognize when you’re experiencing grief etc?
AND you are entitled to having your joy and excitement acknowledged.
Meeting a stone face or being ignored when you share something exciting or joyful with a caregiver is just as traumatizing as having your pain ignored.
Can you share your joy without shame?
Meeting a stone face or being ignored when you share something exciting or joyful with a caregiver is just as traumatizing as having your pain ignored.
Can you share your joy without shame?
Internalized joy shaming looks like:
*Judging and criticizing others for performing excitement for things you deem as “not that serious”
*Distrusting the joy that comes up when good things happen for you
*You don’t allow others to celebrate you at important milestones
*Judging and criticizing others for performing excitement for things you deem as “not that serious”
*Distrusting the joy that comes up when good things happen for you
*You don’t allow others to celebrate you at important milestones
Let your people celebrate you. Celebrate yourself. For every reason and for no reason at all.
Especially Black folks, we fear anything that even looks like pride. We have such an aversion to appearing to be something more than we are. That fake humility. Cut it out!
Especially Black folks, we fear anything that even looks like pride. We have such an aversion to appearing to be something more than we are. That fake humility. Cut it out!
Anyway.
I just wanna be loved. I want to express my love for others freely. I want to have space held for my feelings. I want to hold space for others feelings. But we all are so afraid of being made to feel like we are too much, like there is no space for us.
I just wanna be loved. I want to express my love for others freely. I want to have space held for my feelings. I want to hold space for others feelings. But we all are so afraid of being made to feel like we are too much, like there is no space for us.
Willingness is 99% of it. The willingness to show up. To fail. To keep showing up anyway. Take two steps forward and one step back. To make leaps of progress. To try even though you don’t have your money/career/life “together” To move through the conflict that cultivates love.
