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Time for another Rack vent/rant/reflection 
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Strap in cuz this is gonna be a long one that I& #39;ve been thinking about for a while and that is:
Growing up religious and gay! The challenges, the pain and the side effects. (1/?)
Strap in cuz this is gonna be a long one that I& #39;ve been thinking about for a while and that is:
Growing up religious and gay! The challenges, the pain and the side effects. (1/?)
Background Part 1:
I come from a very religious family. Third generation Christians on both my mom and dad& #39;s side. My grandparents were preachers, missionaries, they even founded several churches in remote towns in my country. (2/?)
I come from a very religious family. Third generation Christians on both my mom and dad& #39;s side. My grandparents were preachers, missionaries, they even founded several churches in remote towns in my country. (2/?)
Background Part 2:
My parents are preachers, former youth pastors, now marriage counselors. I have aunts, uncles and cousins in different church positions. So it goes without saying that my family has always been very involved with the church and Christianity. (3/?)
My parents are preachers, former youth pastors, now marriage counselors. I have aunts, uncles and cousins in different church positions. So it goes without saying that my family has always been very involved with the church and Christianity. (3/?)
Background Part 3:
Ever since I was a kid my family has been going to church every Sunday. During my teen years I spent most of my free time in church. I made my friends there, I was part of several groups, I served, the church was basically a big part of my life. (4/?)
Ever since I was a kid my family has been going to church every Sunday. During my teen years I spent most of my free time in church. I made my friends there, I was part of several groups, I served, the church was basically a big part of my life. (4/?)
The church was everything I knew. I had no friends and no life outside of it. I spent 4/7 days of the week there. I was a good kid. My family the almost perfect representation of a Christian family. People expected a lot from me. But there was one big problem... (5/?)
I can still recall some of my first gay thoughts. I must have been about 11 or 12 back then. I was starting puberty, I was starting to feel feelings that were unknown and confusing and I found that looking at shirtless men really made me feel funny inside. (6/?)
I didn& #39;t thought much about it at first. I knew nothing about sexual attraction or preferences. Half naked (or naked) guys just made me feel good. It didn& #39;t really affect me until I turned 13, where I was introduced by my Christian school to a heinous subject:
ADULTERY. (7/?)
ADULTERY. (7/?)
Racky what is adultery? Well you see, every sexual act that& #39;s not between a married man and a woman, is considered a sin in the eyes of God. Even if that act is between you and yourself.
And this troubled me for two reasons. 1. I was a man and I liked other men. And 2... (8/?)
And this troubled me for two reasons. 1. I was a man and I liked other men. And 2... (8/?)
2. 13 y/o me had just discovered by accident how to masturbate. (I swear this is as NSFW-ish this thread is gonna get so bear with me).
And that introduced a very harrowing concept into my life: Guilt and the fear of God. (9/?)
And that introduced a very harrowing concept into my life: Guilt and the fear of God. (9/?)
I was a nasty little sinner in the eyes of God. That& #39;s what I thought of myself. I couldn& #39;t control my impulses. I liked other dudes, and I liked making myself feel good, and that cause a lot of internal conflict with me. I cried about it and prayed for a cure at nights. (10/?)
But I was a good Christian boy, and God would never give me a challenge I couldn& #39;t complete in my strengths. So I told myself, I would not be weak. No more gay thoughts for me. I would be a pure boy. I was straight as a line, or so I told myself. (11/?)
I spent the rest of my teenage years fighting an uphill battle against myself and my guilt. I gave the appearance of a good kid on the outside, even became a youth leader, but on the inside I had the most intense battle with myself. (12/??)
Me the kid who was the son of the youth pastors. Who went to church more than half a week. Me who became a youth counselor and even got to preach during a couple of services. Me the kid in charge of the church& #39;s media.
Me the kid that had constant gay thoughts. (13/?)
Me the kid that had constant gay thoughts. (13/?)
I felt like an impostor. I felt weak. I felt that I was broken. I felt that I was unworthy. I felt like a failure. Everyone around me had expectations about what I would become, and I was failing everyone each time I allowed myself to have gay thoughts. (14/?)
I tried to fix myself several times. In one of my most cringe moments I even confessed of masturbating to gay porn to my pastor and my parents. Never really found a solution to cure my gayness. I always came back around to it. It& #39;s almost like it was part of who I was. (15/??)
I was living a double life and constantly lying to myself. This went on for so long and I regret the fact that it did. But then something interesting happened, college. More specifically, studying abroad while in college. (16/??)
Quickie side note, Mexican culture is very different to others when it comes to when you move out. In most places it is 18, in Mexico it is actually quite common for you to live with your parents until you graduate from college and get a job. As was my case. (17/??)
This meant that all my life I had lived under my parents influence. But then I got a chance to study abroad for two months, and it was the most liberating experience in my life. No church, no parents, no Christian friends, no pastors, it was just me. (18/??)
These were probably some of the happiest months of my life. For the first time in my life I actually felt independent. Mind you I still felt guilty about my actions, but boy did it feel nice to not feel pressured to be perfect 24/7. (19/??)
But then I came back home to my shell, and it was the same as always. But lets fast forward to more happier times. To the times where this community, actually helped me change who I was, and how I felt about myself. I owe a lot to the furry community. (20/??)
2019 is probably the most important year of my life. On April 1st, I joined the fandom, no joke. On May 27th I turned 25 and I got my first tattoo. And on July of that year I got my first job in the film industry. This last one is very important... (21/??)
See this ground level film job, involved me moving to a different town. Just like when studying abroad, I had the opportunity to live freely without the pressure of the church and family. And boy was it rewarding. (22/??)
For that time I was able to be myself, and I started to realize things. First, I had wasted too much time on the church and that blinded me to so much stuff. Two, and this is thanks to you people, I started to feel like it was not wrong to be gay. (23/??)
They say the furry community is one of the most accepting, and I can attest to that. I felt at home here, like I could be myself. That Rack was this perfect version of myself that was happy being gay and open and it made me realize how much I craved for that irl. (24/??)
