why i made this account

warning

long rant of a bunch of things. i really end up going OFF a tangent from the original thread intent

personal, and uninteresting especially for anybody who doesnt rlly gaf about me

tdlr;
i want this acc to be a space for me, my own fulfillment & peace of mind. to post whatever
acc is public. history of overthinking when i post/ send stuff and get no interactions. trying to free myself from that
i like affection, attention and reassurance lmaooo

i want this account to be a public space where i finally post whatever i want
whether its about anime (which a lot will be no doubt),
my thoughts, feelings, rants,
irl pics, art, etc

i dont want there to be too many followers (max 200) unlike my last anitwt, bc annoying lmao

i also want to start being active on twitter again, and TALK to ppl >:[

i definitely have a major dependence on social media as an outlet n platform for my voice due to an inability to actually coherently express myself in person

i made this acc and made it public for the sole purpose of having a freeing mindset over posting, hopefully not worrying too much over who sees it and what they think of this page or if me

im so tired of feeling stifled on my socials (snapchat + priv ig) sometimes. i dont get interactions, replies, or acknowledgement on things i post or send to friends, which i think to an extent is pretty normal. but it makes me insecure, overthink, and doubt my value as a friend

but i dont want this to be a private account
bc then id tailor (and in turn obsess) over whos following, who can see my content, etc

this will be a public forum for my thoughts, feelings and self, for anybody and any of my friends to see for themselves if they want to do so

that last bit is very important to me, about this account

i want to free myself of worrying about not getting responses or interactions

this time, i will not be the one posting to a specifc audience ive tailored (like with a priv acc or a group of chosen ppl id send a particular snap to)

im posting out in the open. its up to ppl if they want to see, read, know, about me and my life

i feel like this is a major step for me, in my wish to work on not obsessively overthinking about what people around me think about me, which ive done my entire life at a crippling magnitude to the point i have permanently warped my personality, interactions and the way i act

more on how overthinking and being concerned w how others perceive me has severely affected my life and me as a person

warning: longg read too https://twitter.com/karasunomum/status/1305414885828780033?s=19

my other socials (snapchat, priv ig) feel so suffocating at times. like im talking into a (small) crowd of people that ive asked to be there, all sitting in the dark, and with nobody looking my way, responding, or acknowledging me at all

a very lonely and daunting feeling

ik its not intentionally done by ppl but thats just how my overthinker brain takes it as

and i cant say i blame or feel negatively about anybody in my life bc of it. i do be posting/sending a lot to them lmao

it just doesnt help my overthinking,

mainly over whether im being too annoying, or oversharing. or whether ppl actually see me as a friend, or even want to be friends

even on my priv ig, i archive so many posts within hrs bc i overthink if im being annoying & attention seeking to my few followers

im aware my feelings are largely bc of an insecurity in my own personality + my role in friendships
feeling as if im not a person to value or care about

i do think its selfish to keep posting on those socials, sharing my life and expecting a response when not responding is pretty normal and doesnt necessarily mean ill intent

this account and its public nature would hopefully solve this issue. its up to ppl to choose to see me

its selfish to want attention, to want ppl to care about me sure, but i do, and i cant help it. its so ingrained as my form of validating my value.

also side not, ive recently realised what my love languages are

words of affirmation, (and physical touch)

i feel like i desperately need these to feel not unvalued. need for validation ig due to being overly affected by how others think of me, + pessimist overthinking

for my s/o ive realised im very big on making sure they feel good about themselves and about my feelings for them

largely bc i wanna be on the receiving end for the same (but then again who wouldnt).

but primarily id say bc i cant keep my thoughts to myself when im w them

i so easily doubt my relationships, whether ppl actually still care for me

as much as i makes me frustrated that im like this, as the ppl close to me need to exert so much effort, i dont think this is something i can change. affection and attention are just the ways i feel loved

i SEVERELY doubt anyone but my s/o will read this (bc i asked if they would ahahsh) buttttt ye this (and the overthinking thread) is the rawest and realest expression of some of my thoughts about myself

and i wrote and published these totally for myself, its pretty darn personal

and i could never expect anyone to read through the entire things

i doubt anyone would either way lmaoooo

maybe someday i could look back on this thread and smile, having grown enough for a lot of the things discussed to not apply anymore

well, thats the end lol

— 19 y.o. me