Thread by @Seraphcal, one thing about me that i'm proud of is like. 2015 to [...]

one thing about me that i'm proud of is like. 2015 to 2019, i struggled with super bad social anxiety, i would get panic attacks at the idea of even asking someone for a favor, and i was always afraid that i was gonna get yelled at, and i was just... soooo awfully anxious

my anxiety was more than just social tho it was like. literally everything. it was so bad i was convinced i had an anxiety disorder but surprise surprise it was just extreme depressive bipolar episodes

suicide tw //
2017 i was at the lowest point in my life and i honestly don't remember the year that well because i was going in and out of a psychotic state, i genuinely believed this really stupid delusion and it was fucking with my relationships with people, and i also had-

suicide tw //

attempted to off myself earlier in the year which led me to my first psych ward visit (tho that wasn't the first time i had attempted i have literally no idea how many times i have, i only remember three though)

ANYWAY SORRY that was kind of getting off track but its like. in the beginning of 2018 i was still severely depressed and i got my cat asher which made me REALLY happy, he helped me feel better. but then i realized like... man i really did wallow in stuff a lot so i was like-

"alright time to stop being depressed and lonely and i need to stop isolating myself" cause like at least twice a month i would deactivate my deviantart and leave group chats and stuff during melt downs and anxiety attacks and stuff it was. really bad. but they just made me feel-

way worse i HATED isolating myself
anyway so in the beginning of 2018 i was like... You know what. i'm going to start pushing myself. so i ended up just facing my social anxiety head on

i was still really socially anxious, but towards the end of my junior year my social anxiety was pretty low for the first time in literal years and i couldn't be happier. and then i actually got a job in the summer and i think that is what helped me overcome my social anxiety

i work at a fast food place and normally i would work front counter (we closed dine in and take out in april though so i havent in months) and one of my fave things to do was sparking up conversations with customers while we were slow... if the customer was obviously-

uncomfortable though i wouldn't push it cause like. i understand, i've been in that position before and i didn't like being forced to talk to someone. but most of the conversations i had were super pleasant and stuff and it kind of clicked in my head that i'm actually an-

extrovert and all these years i spent wallowing in anxiety and stuff wasn't me being an introvert, i was literally just. very mentally ill

OBVIOUSLY not claiming that all introverts are just socially anxious and ~truly extroverts~ needing to burst out of their bubble, introverts really do exist... but my idea of being an introvert was literally social isolation from everyone because i was scared of people and stuff

i know of many introverts with healthy relationships to social stuff, they just don't thrive on interaction like extroverts. and also i recognize that there can be unhealthy extroverts, where they rely way too much on social interaction (i think thats me)

but anyway i did want to share this because while battling mental health is a slippery slope and not linear... you can heal and stuff. for the longest time i thought i was broken and couldn't be fixed and that i didn't deserve friends or relationships or anything and i was-

suicide tw //
lashing out at everyone, and i will admit i was toxic to people. i think it could be even argued i was abusive when i was 15 to an extent (considering i literally suicide baited my friend group from school lmao)

wallowing in depression and anxiety was just. terrible for me. and it did nothing to help me. i'm not saying that you can't ask for help, but you can't get better until you actually get a push to do something, there's some effort on your part too, you can't always depend on-

someone to come and save you. that's what i was waiting for, i was waiting for someone to come and save me and then i realized... i shouldn't have to put that responsibility on someone

i had other factors that helped contribute to me becoming functioning again, like i've been in therapy since i was 13 (and my therapist has helped me A LOT), i've been taking medication since i was 14, i got diagnosed with bipolar when i was 14 too so luckily catching it early-

on helped prevent... god knows what could have happened if i didn't get diagnosed early on (most people don't get diagnosed until they're 20 cause their signs don't show til early adulthood, but i've been showing signs since i was 9 and it runs in my family lol)

ANYWAY even with all that help i was getting, i wasn't... letting it help me and stuff. it took me actually Pushing myself to work on myself to get better and stuff and like. i'm just proud that i was able to start feeling better

i'm making this thread because i want to be a better mental health advocate... i stopped feeling so alone (because i didn't know many people who shared experiences with me) when in my psychology class we watched interviews of celebrities with bipolar and i felt really understood-

and like... idk, people sharing their experiences really helped me feel like i could be "fixed" or whatever. so i'm hoping me talking about this will do the same to other people

do i still get social anxiety? sometimes, yeah. am i still painfully socially awkward? yes. very awkward. ask any of my offline friends. but i'm just. a lot better

anyway i promise everyone who is struggling, things can and will get better. i know that it seems like there's no light at the end of the tunnel, i felt like that for the longest time. especially if you've been struggling since you were at a young age like me

sorry i made replies mutuals only, i don't want randos that find this to say weird shit lol. feel free to quote retweet though

if you think you have bipolar disorder i'm open to talk about it. and if you are diagnosed with it, i hope this thread helped you see that you're not alone in your struggles and things can get better

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