Okay! Here we go! Cats (2019) songs ranked by horniness: https://twitter.com/clapifyoulikeme/status/1304999490496196608

18. Memory. This is not a horny song. It is pure and heartbreaking and I will cut you if you try to ruin it.

17. Memory [reprise]/Beautiful Ghosts (Reprise). This is a tiny bit more horny than the original Memory because Victoria and Old Deut are there now, but it is still pure, and if you don't tear up at "TOUUUUUUUUCH ME" you have no soul (I've got PLENTY of soul!).

16. Beautiful Ghosts/The Moments of Happiness. I don't care enough about the Best Original Song That Wasn't to properly rank it so honestly idk it's whatever; The Moments of Happiness is really just Deuti talking but she does kind of start coming on to Victoria at the end...

15. This is just a little ditty. It is not horny. Growltiger is not a "girl in every port" kind of cat. He is also not into Bustopher, even though I know in my heart that there's a 50K slow burn enemies-to-friends-to-lovers fic out there somewhere.

14. The Journey to the Heaviside Layer. Nothing terribly horny going on here, sorry. It's v pure, we're all so happy for Grizabella that she gets to die. But also it's still Cats (2019) so everyone in the background is maybe gonna bang.

13. Grizabella: The Glamour Cat. Despite being about how Grizabella was (apparently a very successful) sex worker, there's not much horn happening here. Unless you're into Demeter and Cassandra being bitchy, which Victoria may be actually...

12. Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats. It's the opening song, so they try to convince us this is going to be a weird-but-family-friendly movie. It kind of works! But 𝓭𝓸 𝓷𝓸𝓽 𝓫𝓮 𝓵𝓾𝓵𝓵𝓮𝓭.

11. Mr. Mistoffelees. Victoria is ready to throw Misto down and bang him right there ofc, and they're all very Excited when O.D. gets back, but honestly this one is a lot less horny than it *should* be. There should be much more thrusting to encourage the magic cat.