Ok.

I said we'd have the conversation, so let's have the conversation.

This is going to be a big long thread on the cycle of abuse, on how roughly 1/3rd of all victims of abuse can end up becoming abusive themselves, and about how we can prevent that cycle from continuing. https://twitter.com/RileyGryc/status/1305016000576806912

It is important to note up front that not all people who are abused become abusive, & those that do do not always do so in the same way they were abused, or necessarily to the same degree. Lots of people go through terrible things & come out fine; some go through little & don't.

And that is not a failing of a person if that's their case. Everyone is different & everyone is affected differently for different reasons.

Also, this thread will go into some details specific to abuse, so if you don't want to read that, now is the time to bow out & not read.

One reason why many who are bullied or abused become abusive themselves due to conditioning. If your parents were always fighting over small things, there's a high likelihood that you will view that as inherent to all relationships, not even just necessarily only romantic ones.

We model what we see, especially at young ages. And an important aspect of this is never receiving external feedback that that isn't the norm. If you're never told you didn't deserve to be yelled at for having been late or didn't deserve to be bullied, you may never recover.

And being told, it is possible to tell yourself that. The feedback doesn't always have to be external.

But sometimes, even knowing it's not your fault can leave you with a lot of displaced anger.

And our world is terrible at teaching us how to deal with anger & our emotions.

Anger is actually a very good emotion! It's an identifier; it helps show us why feel hurt, what we care about, & can be used to catalyze & rally ourselves. Our anger is a powerful gift.

But we are told only of its negatives, taught to fear it, & shown to use it against others.

Abuse can leave us feeling out of control, belittled, & worthless. It can leave us feeling that way for a long time. And I lump bullying in with abuse, because it is a kind of abuse.

And for some people, the best way to manage that feeling of helplessness is to become a bully.

It can feel empowering to know that, even though your dad hates you & beats you, you can still take that one kid's money & call them names that will hurt them. When you're hurt, it can feel good to hurt others.

And if you're strong or smart? It can be easy to give into that.

I for many years took pride in being a bully online. I won't dignify it with calling it what it's not. Was I a bully to right wingers & people who arguably deserved it? Sure & that's why I often wasn't called out on it. But I passed the line very often on justified responding.

I would delight in provoking people, getting them to fall into verbal traps, knowing that I would ruin their day to some degree with how small I made them feel. It felt really good... for a moment.

And that's the thing with bullying. It's only a momentary high or distraction.

You have your triumphant brain juices, then after that fades, you're still just left with unresolved anger.

Because you haven't addressed why you're angry & begun to heal. You've just taken your anger out on someone else. You've momentarily vented; you haven't fixed the issue.

And being online only provides more enticement to bully & abuse. The anonymity, the lack of face to face interaction, the lack of tone & other communicational indicators; all of this provides a near perfect outlet to abuse without any threat of proper recourse or repercussions.

Why bother filtering when there's hardly any consequences not to?

Well, because it doesn't do you any favors. If you condition yourself to not care, to attack anyone who disagrees, to seek that bullying high, you won't ever get over the issues that motivate that behavior in you.

And you will end up hurting people you care about because of it. Guaranteed.

So.

How do you stop?

Well, it begins with recognizing the behavior for what it is, & that doesn't always come easily. It may take therapy, the lose of relationships, or some serious self-reflection.

For me, it was my break up last year. I was left, forced really, to reexamine myself in the wake of my entire life's plan changing. And I could only do that because it became glaringly obvious that I hadn't been as much of a problem in my relationship as I'd been led to believe.

When you're told to your face that you're a monster for setting more than reasonable boundaries that are then repeatedly violated, blatantly, & with the goalposts easily moved? When you've been told lies for years & then the truth slips its handy mask off?

Yeah. It's easy then.

So, one of the many things I examined about myself was why I felt the need to be often toxic & a bully online. And for me, it was obvious: it was a way to exert control & feel in power. It was a way to sort of prove my own intelligence, show I am the smartest person in the room.

So, you've had the realization. And it might not be the same as mine. One person's reasons for being abusive won't be the same as another's.

But what do you do after that? How do you change the behavior?

Well get ready for the exciting answer of: you have to keep questioning.

And do so before you act. Because it's very easy to stick to routines & behaviors. We are creatures of habit. Truly questioning those unthought automatic responses we're familiar with is genuinely a difficult thing to do.

But it is how you will break out of the cycle of abuse.

Before you type out that angry response to someone, ask if it needs to be said in that way.

Before you just throw out that snide response that isn't warranted, question whether it's too cruel.

You're the only one who can ultimately change your own behavior. It can be hard.

Breaking these cycles of bullying & abusive behavior & actions & responses is difficult. I will never say it's not.

To stop a habit, you have to be cognizant constantly.

It gets easier with practice, though. Because if you start practicing questioning, that'll be the new habit.

Any habit can be replaced gradually with a new one. Behaviors aren't forever. But the change has to start with you accepting that it needs to change & beginning to work on it.

Trust me, there are days where I'd love nothing more than to rip into someone to feel that old high.

But it would not be worth it. And what you get from this behavioral change?

You get a better life. You might not notice it at first, & it might not happen immediately for a while, but a lot things improve when you stop giving in to your bullying behaviors.

There is good there.

The cycle of abuse is not an easy one to break out of. It requires challenging your abusive behaviors & habits, working to find better ways to express it, & resolving why you're angry.

It isn't easy, but the life you've live thereafter is so much better. For you, & for others.