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OK so there& #39;s something I& #39;ve wanted to say for a very long time. It& #39;s been on my mind since the day it happened and I& #39;m not sure why the time is right now and why I want to be so public. But it is the right time for me.
Its about rape, male on male rape in particular.
Its about rape, male on male rape in particular.
So as a trigger warning I& #39;ll get that out right now as the last thing I want to do is upset anyone. This is my truth to be told and I want people to hear it, only if they wish to do so.
I& #39;m going to attempt to explain what happened to me and the impact it has had.
I& #39;m going to attempt to explain what happened to me and the impact it has had.
I& #39;m not sure what I intend to achieve. If you find this useful, amazing. If not, sorry I guess.
I& #39;ve never said any of this out loud to more than a few people and that& #39;s because I, like many other men, have been submissive to the shame and stigma that society associates with male sexual abuse victims.
I know this is the case with women too but there is a slight difference with the emotional suppression of men, and how it comes into play with rape. Please don& #39;t think I& #39;m discrediting rape as a female issue. My sister was raped and ive seen it from her end too.
This is just about my experience.
So it took place on August 12th 2017. I was in a bar, minding my own as my friend had gone home and I was approached by a man called Richard. He was late 40& #39;s to early 50& #39;s.
So it took place on August 12th 2017. I was in a bar, minding my own as my friend had gone home and I was approached by a man called Richard. He was late 40& #39;s to early 50& #39;s.
He was/is a uni lecturer and we got chatting about my application to university to study law.
He suggested during the conversation that he could help push my application through as he thought I was clever and sounded committed and whatever.
He suggested during the conversation that he could help push my application through as he thought I was clever and sounded committed and whatever.
He was basically trying to use his status to woo me over. All I saw was a kind older guy. I was not attracted to him at all.
I was wasted. I& #39;d gotten through a 70cl bottle of Captain Morgans with my friend earlier in the day and we& #39;d been drinking at the bar since.
I was wasted. I& #39;d gotten through a 70cl bottle of Captain Morgans with my friend earlier in the day and we& #39;d been drinking at the bar since.
I was visibly at the point of complete inebriation and that would have been completely obvious to anyone who spoke to me that night.
Richard didn& #39;t care. He had one thing in mind.
Richard didn& #39;t care. He had one thing in mind.
I told him I was going to get a taxi home and he said for me to stay at his as he had a spare bedroom and that I could chill for the night and have another drink.
I accepted the offer and we left the bar, hopped into a taxi and approached his block of flats.
I accepted the offer and we left the bar, hopped into a taxi and approached his block of flats.
I remember vividly swaying as I walked across his driveway, pitch black with stones crushing under my feet.
I stumbled up the main staircase of the flat and laughed at myself as he directed me to his apartment.
He sat me down in his lounge and made me another drink.
I stumbled up the main staircase of the flat and laughed at myself as he directed me to his apartment.
He sat me down in his lounge and made me another drink.
Me spoke for a little while about uni and then I quickly realise it was lights out time for me. Fucked.
I was at my limit and beyond. I tried to sip away at it but I was feeling sick at this point and couldn& #39;t stomach anymore so I asked him where the spare bedroom is.
I was at my limit and beyond. I tried to sip away at it but I was feeling sick at this point and couldn& #39;t stomach anymore so I asked him where the spare bedroom is.
He directed me towards it.
The door was open, lights off and I began to make my way towards to the doorway before he grabbed me on my shoulders and started hugging me and trying to kiss me.
The door was open, lights off and I began to make my way towards to the doorway before he grabbed me on my shoulders and started hugging me and trying to kiss me.
I let him kiss my lips and I let him touch me but I did not signal that was what I wanted, nor did I feel that was what I wanted.
He took my arm and walked me into his bedroom and pushed me over onto the bed.
He took my arm and walked me into his bedroom and pushed me over onto the bed.
I dont know whether or not he thought I was into it or that I was just so far wasted at this point that I wouldnt have much of a chance of getting out of it. Either way, he continued. He removed my clothes and then started doing things to me.
I couldnt get & #39;excited& #39; through both drunkeness and fear so he reversed it and made me do things back to him.
He then turned me over and that was when the rape happened. Whilst he was doing what he was doing he was also putting poppers under my nose.
He then turned me over and that was when the rape happened. Whilst he was doing what he was doing he was also putting poppers under my nose.
I could feel a searing warmth rush through my head whilst also the pain of someone forcibly entering me. Neither felt good or pleasurable in any respect.
He continued whilst I stayed in the same position, not moving or giving signals or doing anything.
He continued whilst I stayed in the same position, not moving or giving signals or doing anything.
Completely still and just grunting with the painful force. He then finished and threw himself off of me. We both went to sleep. I woke up before him and for a split second I had no idea what had gone.
I was just hazy, still a bit drunk and looking upwards at a ceiling that I knew did not belong to me. I looked to my left and there he was. Within an instant I knew what had happened and continued to freeze again. I didnt know what to do next.
I just wanted to leave but my body wouldn& #39;t allow me. He woke not long after and immediately started trying to kiss me. I found the strength to resist and verbally gesture that I didnt want it and pushed him off of me.
I told him I& #39;d had a text from my parents and my dad was in hospital as an excuse to leave. As if I needed to permission to leave his house. I was too scared to just leave without the excuse. I still don& #39;t understand why that was.
I got out of the bed, threw my clothes on and left with my shoes in my hand. On the way out I saw two poppers bottles on the floor, a final reminder of what had happened.
I ordered a taxi and went straight to the hospital. I wanted the medication to prevent HIV.
I ordered a taxi and went straight to the hospital. I wanted the medication to prevent HIV.
The triage nurse asked what happened. I told her bits, she immediately ushered me to a private room and a female consultant came in. She asked me questions about the sex, my awareness and sobriety and I answered. She said to me "you have been raped". I remember this.
I immediately denied this, told her it wasnt rape. My mind didnt want to agree with her but my body did. I felt broken, ashamed, angry and numb. But I was adamant I had not been raped.
I further demanded the tablets as my concern was catching an illness.
I further demanded the tablets as my concern was catching an illness.
That was all I could focus on. They refused this without further questioning and I left, shouting at one of the consultants, who was just trying to help. Im sorry I mistreated him that day but I really wasn& #39;t in my right mind.
When I left the hospital I stood outside having a cigarette. My phone rang and it was my mum. I pushed down the lump in my throat and picked up.
My sister was on the other end and started laying into me about how reckless it was of me to end up in the hospital and worry family. She asked if I was on drugs, I told her no but she didnt believe me.
She kept asking what had happened. I couldnt get the words out.
She kept asking what had happened. I couldnt get the words out.
My sister had been raped herself and I didnt want to say it out loud to her. Anyone but her. She was still suffering deeply because of what had happened. She was relentless though, she continued to ask and ask and it came out of no where. "I& #39;ve been raped".
I can still remember the crack in her voice as she apologised, cried down the phone and told me to come home.
I did just that. Upon returning home I dodged the questioning from my parents and had a very long shower.
I did just that. Upon returning home I dodged the questioning from my parents and had a very long shower.
Before coming back downstairs and denying to answer any questions presented by my parents. I tried to act as if everything was normal. I have not spoken to them about it since.
I got an appointment at a separate hospital for that day. I had a consultation.
I got an appointment at a separate hospital for that day. I had a consultation.
They offered to send me to a place called Shore, where I could be swabbed and DNA taken in case ever wanted to inform the police what had happened. I refused. I didnt want this. I still didn& #39;t want to accept that it wasn& #39;t consensual.
Being swabbed and put in that setting would have made me face it.
I carried on my life as normal from this point, ignoring every part of myself that needed healing. I was very angry. I snapped easily, I cried easily and I didnt want to do anything to make myself feel better.
I carried on my life as normal from this point, ignoring every part of myself that needed healing. I was very angry. I snapped easily, I cried easily and I didnt want to do anything to make myself feel better.
I just sat with my feelings and let them finish the job Richard had started.
I changed jobs and I made a wonderful friend. My best friend. She doesband always will have that position.
I changed jobs and I made a wonderful friend. My best friend. She doesband always will have that position.
She was the first person I felt comfortable with and I told her what happened and she cuddled me and was there for me. This was the first time I felt any sense of relief. She has been the one person I& #39;ve been able to talk to on an emotional level about it.
Other people know but I almost speak about myself in 3rd person as I dont want to show emotion and get upset when I talk about it.
By April the next year time had helped heal but it was still there. I& #39;d accepted it would always be there.
By April the next year time had helped heal but it was still there. I& #39;d accepted it would always be there.
I was in a hotel and I was watching a BBC doc about rape on men and I remember 1 fact. It takes a man an average of 30 years to speak up about his rape.
That sticks with me, and until recently I had accepted i would do my 30 years of silence just like the other victims.
That sticks with me, and until recently I had accepted i would do my 30 years of silence just like the other victims.
Conviction rates are 3% so what would be the point anyway. Why should I tell the Police?
Ive learnt recently that actually speaking up isn& #39;t just about telling the police. Its just speaking up. Telling someone, being honest, and not living in shame about it anymore.
Ive learnt recently that actually speaking up isn& #39;t just about telling the police. Its just speaking up. Telling someone, being honest, and not living in shame about it anymore.
I am not ashamed. I am a rape SURVIVOR, not a victim and I want you and I want everyone to know about that because I should and I will speak freely about it from now on.
I have also kept the bottle of pills the NHS gave me to take as it is datestamped.
I have also kept the bottle of pills the NHS gave me to take as it is datestamped.
I& #39;ve kept it just incase in forget. Ofcourse I won& #39;t forget. I look at them every now and then as a reminder and something to reflect. I& #39;m throwing them out today.
Im no longer hiding.
Thats it.
Im no longer hiding.
Thats it.
I& #39;ve said it now and I dont know what that means or if anything changes but I feel good for saying it and writing all of this down. Here is a link to a charity I wish I& #39;d approached before. I have about 6 draft emails to them in my inbox.
They deal with male rape and offer support. https://www.survivorsuk.org/ ">https://www.survivorsuk.org/">...
