#Suicide For me, there were a lot of things that made death sound sweet. I thought I was a positive, happy, fun-loving person. Turns out, I was a negative, self-critical, self-sabotaging, self-rejecting, afraid of being abandoned, and unfeeling. I criticized myself unmercifully.

For years trauma (from a variety of sources) wreaked havoc on my soul, all in an undetected manner, despite my faith and spirituality.

Shame, and all of its potency, had birthed self-hate. Fear, and all of its lies, had birthed despair.

For two years, I did all the things- prayer, worship, church, devotion, community, confession, vulnerability... I had struggled with depression before, but not like this. After two years of begging God for help, it seemed as though he had abandoned me.

While I didn’t realize it at the time, I became angry with God. As my earthly father abandoned me, it felt as if my Heavenly Father had as well.

I had nowhere else to turn and suicide went from being an option, to a good option, to the right option.

Shame made me feel irrevocably broken. Fear turned my reality into a no-win situation.

The thought of suicide began feeling selfless. Surely, my family would be better off without me. They’d be taken care of financially and have the opportunity to have a better man.

The despair and hopelessness was absolutely overwhelming. For several months, only heaven seemed right. I was ready to go home. Then, I began fully unraveling. Isolating. Acting out of character. The shame was spilling over. I started reliving my trauma.

In my woundedness, I created new wounds. I came apart from the inside out.

After these years of struggle, I gave into sin, I wrote suicide letters, and I was ready to be done....

Thankfully, God wasn’t ready to be done with me. My being here today is a testament to God’s grace. I am grateful. My family and friends are grateful.

I share this in #suicideprevention because I believe this type of conversation needs to become normal in the church.

And it has to become normal from people who have walked through it. So we can shine light on it and others who are there actually feel seen and understood. People need a community who understands, is empathetic, embraces weakness, and knows how to be present in the pain.

Throwing Bible truths at despair doesnt cut it. Throwing out suicidal hotlines doesnt cut it. Saying, “Just talk to someone” doesnt cut it.

The best thing the you can do for #suicideprevention is listen to stories of pain, become trauma-informed, not rush to answers...

and not settle for spiritual/biblical/gospel platitudes. Do the hard work of 1) asking questions 2) affirm peoples stories and experiences 3) encourage/normalize going to therapy and recovery groups 4) learn and teach the interdependence of knowledge of self and knowledge of God.

Friends who may be where I was and in moments can still find myself- “How terrifying it is to face my naked and needy self- the self that longs for love and knows it can do nothing to manipulate the universe into providing the only kind of love I really need...

The crux of the problem is that I cant feel the love of God because I do not dare accept it unconditionally. To know I am loved, I must accept the frightening helplessness and vulnerability that is my true state. This is always terrifying... But, Jesus is the antidote to fear.

His love- not our believing certain things about him or trying to do as he commands- is what holds the promise of releasing us from the bondage of our inner conflicts.. God comes to us with gestures of breathtaking love, hoping to eliminate our fear, not manipulate us through it.

And he offers his love as the one thing in the universe capable of making an otherwise hostile cosmos into a friendly home. He offers his love as the one thing in the universe capable of freeing us from our fears.

Learning love is accepting the invitation to reclaim the truth of our belovedness. Learning love is letting ourselves be loved fully and extravagantly. We learn to trust that in this love we come to the fulfillment of our humanity and the fulfillment of our calling.” David Benner

While this thread is long, I hope it is helpful. I don’t want to see anymore friends die by suicide and my prayer is the church can become a voice of hope and a healing touch to those wrestling with these kinds of issues. #SuicidePreventionMonth #SuicidePrevention

We need to keep talking about this- The CDC released new data today. "The suicide rate among ages 10-24 in the US increased 57.4% from 2007-2018. When examining the change in rates between 3 year averages of '07-09 and '16-18, the nat'l percentage increase was 47.1%"