Thread by @lilyseabrooke, (cw depression, suicidal thoughts) I heard it's suicide prevention month and this [...]

(cw depression, suicidal thoughts) I heard it& #39;s suicide prevention month and this is super important to me!! Lots of us have had suicidal thoughts. If you& #39;re dealing with them, it doesn& #39;t mean you& #39;re broken. I want to normalize talking about it, so, let me talk about mine.

When I was little, I had depression. I lost most of my memories from my childhood--potential side effect of depression--so I can& #39;t say much, but most of what I remember is long nights, vacant stares at the ceiling at 4am, wondering when it would end.

I wasn& #39;t actively suicidal, but it was a place where if someone tried to kill me, I wouldn& #39;t have stopped them. I spent my time thinking of ways I could quietly disappear. I didn& #39;t want to hurt anyone with my death, so I figured I& #39;d drift away from all my friends first...

... and once everyone had forgotten about me, I& #39;d get lost far enough in the woods no one would find my body. I went through the whole scenario hundreds of times in my head. The scariest thing is that the thought was, above all else, comforting.

I was a lonely kid, in a house in the woods with no social interaction except an abusive mother who told me no one in life was really happy, that life was just a long slog towards death. I believed it.

See, that& #39;s the thing. I thoroughly believed that no one was happy, that everyone hated life and when I wanted to die, I thought everyone did. No one loves their work, no one loves their spouse longer than a year, no one loves themselves, no one loves being alive.

Everything I heard was telling me to fear the world, fear life, fear adulthood. "It& #39;s all downhill from there," my father told me. I thought, well, I don& #39;t like being alive now, so that means I never will, right? Doesn& #39;t make sense to keep doing it.

The most ridiculous thing was that I read a comic where the main character, before Everything Went Wrong, proclaimed "I& #39;m the happiest person in the world!" I stopped and stared because I thought "there are people who are happy???"

Me at 19 discovering the concept of happiness for the first time

From there on, I decided to try something weird. I told myself "I& #39;m gonna try being a happy person." Wanted to model being happy and enjoying being alive, even if I didn& #39;t feel it on the inside. I smiled at myself in the mirror every morning. It felt like bending wax.

I told myself "I& #39;m a happy person" every day. "I just love being alive, love being here." I was bsing, but that didn& #39;t matter. Everyone around me called me stupid, naive, coddled. I lost all respect anyone had for me when I started identifying as a happy, lucky person.

I was the pinnacle of fake it till you make it!! I was dead on the inside!! It felt like no one even wanted me around anymore because I was too different!! But strangely, I didn& #39;t mind. When people resisted my happiness, I started to realize the world wasn& #39;t unhappy...

I just had an unhappy world around me.

I really started to do things differently. Started doing what I wanted to, and I took joy in standing up for it when people told me not to try. Soon, I was studying abroad and presenting as female full time in Japan, and I noticed...

Sitting on my rock-hard twin bed in a cute studio apartment on the sixth floor, looking at the diagonal zigzags of densely packed homes lit up at night past the veranda, I realized something:

I hadn& #39;t thought about suicide in months.

It used to be nonstop. A dozen times a day, I& #39;d picture myself going quietly into that night. And it was over--so slow, so quiet, I hadn& #39;t even noticed.

I laughed a lot when I realized. Felt free. I drank my cheap coffee, fell back on the bed, and went back to shogi on my phone.

I& #39;d gotten really into shogi lately, after all. Kind of silly, but I liked it. It made me happy.

I started telling people I was the happiest person in the world. This time, I think people felt it. They wanted me around. They liked my big, happy smiles, my optimism.

Life has been wild. I escaped my abusive home situation by boarding a plane when I was supposed to be at my college graduation. Found myself homeless for a couple weeks until my brother rented out an air mattress in the corner of his living room (thanks, bro). Made ends meet,

working part time in a grocery store. My employers and my roommates called me Lily. That was new. I was living paycheck to paycheck. That was new too--my parents had been rich.

I was troubled and struggling, but I was happy. That was new, too.

Life& #39;s STILL wild. Hello, pandemic! 2020 election oh boy. There& #39;s a lot of reasons not to be happy. But I made my choice, and I& #39;m sticking with it:

I& #39;m the happiest person in the world.

Life& #39;s an absolute joy. I& #39;m living my dream life and it& #39;s better than I even imagined. I love the person in the mirror. My friends love me, and they love when I& #39;m happy. And I& #39;m so ridiculously happy.

I& #39;m lucky as hell. So... thank you, to all of you.

This isn& #39;t a prescriptive story. I& #39;m not telling people with suicidal thoughts "just smile and pretend you& #39;re happy!" It worked for me. That doesn& #39;t mean it& #39;s what will work for you. That& #39;s not why I& #39;m telling this story. I& #39;m telling this story because I want everyone to see...

There are people who are happy. Life is something you can really love. And though it& #39;ll look different from my path, there is a path that leads to being ridiculously happy. When I was little, I needed to see that happiness was real. I hope you can see it, too.

I& #39;ve had suicidal thoughts. I& #39;m not ashamed to admit it. No one should be ashamed to admit it. And no one should be ashamed to strive for their happiness anyway. I say this without reservations, without exceptions:

You. Deserve. To. Be. Happy.

The happiest person in the world.

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