HERE IT IS....some of my thoughts on michiru's insecurity (& her subsequent jealousy) in one thread!

to start: michiru means a lot to me and i spend a lot of time both overthinking & projecting on her actions...this is just my interpretation, feel free to let me know what you think

also this'll be LONG. buckle up

to preface: in waltz with the beautiful beast meifan & michiru pick out roses for the edels - michiru assigns each of them a coloured rose based on their floriography meaning. meifan assigns michiru a yellow rose; typically associated with friendship but almost meaning..jealousy.

typically, yellow roses symbolise friendship, warmth & happiness. however, their meaning has changed significantly over time! around the 19th century yellow roses were associated with jealousy, fading love and infidelity; leading some to believe the colour yellow to be bad luck.

a bright, positive colour that secretly and unassumingly hides a darker meaning is, tho unintentionally on meifan’s part, perfect to describe michiru. much like a yellow rose, she masks her true feelings with a similarly bright, positive exterior.

those who don’t look deeper might never know this about yellow roses; much like those who don’t look past surface level with michiru. under the exterior michiru is deeply insecure, desires control, struggles with showing weakness and bases her worth on being useful to others.

by masking she attempts to control the image others have of her, particularly the edels (excl. akira); allowing them to think she does everything effortlessly. she feigns a certain level of confidence to hide that she struggles with self worth/lack of belief in her own abilities.

though fiercely dedicated and able to face any challenge head-on, she has moments where her belief in her abilities wavers. in dying king's childhood sequence we see her being unsure of herself, in contrast to her usual positive outlook and determination.

this insecurity leads her to lie to akira; she makes her believe she doesn't desire to be king - she fears the uncertainty of the future and her ability to see it through. she instead promises to dedicate herself to making akira king, stepping down into a supporting role.

it’s here that she places herself BELOW akira - in michiru’s eyes they are not equals anymore. to prove how serious she is, she has them drop their nicknames (akki & micchi). this directly contrasts akira, who has always seen her as an equal and desires to be on stage with her.

in my eyes she does this equally out of her own insecurity and out of love for akira, the desire to see her succeed where she might not.

since growing up we see how she firmly upholds her end of their promise; advising akira and being her closest confidant.

michiru's drive and motivation comes from akira and being there to support her! she feels safe in the knowledge that akira relies on her; therefore she is useful. even if she’s not the best, even if she’s not the king of siegfeld, she’s still needed, she is useful; not worthless.

michiru does all she can to be helpful; she’s a reliable older figure for the edels to come to for any kind of support. this is flipped in noblesse, the first time we see her in a position that the others can’t rely on her, being the only one who doesn’t know how to skate.

in noblesse we see the (traumatic) accident they had on the ice as children, in which michiru blames herself for akira getting hurt, due to her own weakness. she uses this as the motivation to get stronger, to become someone akira can rely upon..so she never hurts her again.

in the present she’s become that person, so much so that she struggles to show weakness. she doesn’t want to be left behind so works tirelessly to overcome any obstacle, no matter how difficult. as an edel but most of all, to meet her own standards as someone closest to the king.

one of my favourite parts of the noblesse event is how they mirror each other in their worries, how both akira and michiru blame themselves for the other getting hurt. akira, though ever confident in michiru's abilities, worries over her here.

akira tells her they should “do their best”, michiru is frustrated by this: she wants to hear that akira has high expectations of her like she does with the other edels. she wants to earn it, since she relies on akira (& their promise) as her drive.

michiru knows that she relies just as much, if not more, on akira than vice versa. she desperately doesn’t want akira to leave her behind. despite becoming an irreplaceable support for her, michiru cannot view them as equals, despite akira always having seen them this way.

this results in michiru feeling jealous of meifan. she’s stuck between wanting her efforts to be recognised vs being too afraid to be vulnerable about thinking her own weaknesses are unforgivable. this hurts akira, who desperately wants michiru to rely on her sometimes, too.

she fails to see that akira views her differently, not because of lack of faith in her - quite the opposite in fact! she expects just as much if not MORE of her, but knows that she already goes above and beyond her expectations, as frau saphir and the person closest to her.

she's terrified of falling behind, so much so that she overthinks her word choice here: "let's both do our best" vs "i have high expectations of you" she interprets it to mean that akira thinks less of her and more of meifan. when in reality, it's the opposite (see above ↑)

it makes me love their conversation here even more. how akira'd been worrying the whole time, always being able to see through michiru - since they understand each other most. akira knew she'd still been carrying guilt, just like she had. the way they mirror each other here...

they both rely on the other for support and motivation. michiru refuses to resign herself to defeat for the sake of her promise with the person she cares for most!

i hope that starira continues to explore their relationship, especially wrt michiru thinking herself as lesser...

to me, michiru feels this way based entirely on her own insecurities. akira doesn't encourage that kind of thinking either, it seems self-inflicted and maintained. though she's literally lower in rank in terms of siegfeld, i think it goes beyond that. i hope they explore it more!

honestly i think both michiru and akira are deeply misunderstood characters and a lot of their good writing is misinterpreted, esp wrt the notion that michiru is extremely controlling/manipulative, that akira has no agency etc. it's really heartbreaking that people think that way

she makes decisions she regrets out of her own insecurity and honours her word. but she never holds it or uses it against anyone, never blames anyone but herself. instead she uses it to move ever forwards, to become stronger than her past self. i really, really adore her.

to summarise: michiru’s devotion/determination comes from a place of wanting to be useful, to be needed, bc she feels she's not good enough. this insecurity manifests in jealousy that she hides and in a fear of being left behind - but it drives her. she won't let herself be weak.

so she struggles with seeing herself as akira’s equal no matter how strong she becomes! but she's always pushing herself further despite this and never letting it slow her down. it all hits so close to home for me personally....i wish more people would appreciate her!

i wrote like 2k words rambling on this...this is one of 1058493675 reasons i never do any introspecting publicly. this thread is truly a self-drag...

if you've read this all the way to end you get a gold star:

appreciate akimichi & stream: