Me: (wakes up at 4:30 to write)
Baby: I mean I didn’t realize we were doing this but obviously I’m in
Me: no go back to sleep
Baby: in the crib? Lol
Me: OK come in the bed, here’s a fluffy pillow
Baby: shit did you realize DADA is in here? I will climb him like a mountain

Me: come on then let’s snuggle
Baby: snuggling is inherently violent
Me: do you want a bottle?
Baby: I will remove EACH HAIR from DADA’S HEAD
Me: let’s pace around a bit
Baby: have you heard the funny noise I’ve been practicing? I can do it SO LOUDLY now

Me: shhhh
Baby: I think I WILL take that bottle but only if I can drink it while BALANCING ON THE MATTRESS like a TINY SURFER and SMACKING YOU WITH MY FREE HAND can you spot me?
Me: as you wish
Baby: I changed my mind! Get that bottle away from me! What were you thinking?

Me: let’s just relax then
Baby: I don’t mean to alarm you but I’m beginning to suspect that other people, specifically other children, might still be sleeping in this household, do you want me to troubleshoot
Me: fine, you win, let’s get up
Baby: but I’m TIRED