Watching the 1980's Conan movie and it's got some great environmental storytelling and the music is phenomenal but Arnold does an absolutely wretched job of conveying the character of Conan as Howard wrote him. There's none of the gigantic melancholies OR mirth in this portrayal

Ah yes, the incredibly awkward "Conan has sex with a witch so that she'll give him directions" scene, which is simultaneously hilarious and not at all trying to pretend it's not here so we can see Conan banging someone

Now Conan's witch sex partner has turned blue and evil, as you do, I guess. Conan throws her into the fireplace and she... leaves? Flies away? I'm not sure, but we came very close to getting to see Arnold's penis. Up to you how you feel about that.

Conan and his new friend Subotai (he made a friend by not deciding immediately to free Subotai when he was chained to a wall to be eaten by wolves) are discussing comparative mythology. Subotai is of the opinion that Crom sucks.

Extended running montage! No idea where they filmed these scenes but it's beautiful.

Only in this movie can two guys wander the countryside asking people about snakes and end up tripping balls on Black Lotus. Conan calls an old lady a slut and punches out a camel in a scene as absolutely not in the original stories as one could possibly imagine.

I still don't know why Conan called those old women doing their laundry sluts. Does Black Lotus make you a weird asshole? I mean, I guess Conan has already established he's kind of weird.

Valeria shows up and we have the film's first somewhat reasonable protagonist. Sandahl Bergman treats this film with a lot more gravitas than it deserves and it's kind of awesome to watch.

So we have two guys who are so high on Black Lotus that they assault camels and a woman who actually knows what she's doing attacking a gigantic snake themed tower. Somehow, I'm not surprised that John Milius and Oliver Stone wrote this.

Seriously, Conan the Barbarian is exactly the movie you'd expect if you ask the dude who wrote Apocalypse Now and the guy who wrote Savages to write a fantasy movie. It's got a cult leader with essentially hippies as his followers as the villain. It's a very post-70's film.

The cultists are upset because Conan killed their giant snake and now Valeria is stabbing fools and escaping with our two lunkheads in tow

Post-theft drunken celebration and Conan is hitting on Valeria, as you do, I suppose. Luckily they found a room full of furs to do it in and Conan has traded the giant snake eye gem he stole to Valeria, who is charmed by his incredibly subtle flirtations. Cue second sex scene.

We're an hour into this film and Conan has had three sex scenes. At least this one isn't 'Conan is shoved into a cage to learn how to fuck from a slave girl' or 'Conan has sex to learn where Zamora is and throws a woman into a fireplace'

Ain't no party like a Zamora "We killed a giant snake and stole a bunch of jewels from a snake tower" party because Conan's wearing like six different hats. That's how you judge a party -- how many hats people will bring you.

Ah, we're at the "Conan does an Alka-Seltzer ad" stage, where everyone's so hung over they just stare into the camera and eat what looks like wet cement from a giant bowl. Cue Max von Sydow's guards to capture them!

Okay, I'll try and get back to this at some point, but right now I gotta go try and sleep