Found a recent YouTube video featuring James White on a Chinese dating show. It doesn’t have English subtitles so gonna translate some highlights so others can learn more about this unusual man. Will *try* and keep it snark-free as there is tragedy here.

The show is called 凡人有喜 which they translate as “Our Love”. There’s lots of the typical childish and annoying graphics and cartoonish sound effects that accompany most Chinese TV shows.

James is introduced by the presenter as a 35 year old unmarried man despite having a stable salary, a house and a car.

This is so shocking that the words spring up on the screen accompanied by a “boing boing!” sound.

The man himself is introduced and we learn all the important facts that a Chinese wife-to-be would need to know. His real name is Chen Xi, he’s 35, is 174cm tall, works in a financial company and graduated from Sichuan Foreign Languages Uni.

He earns 8,000 RMB ($1,170 USD) a month and has his own car and house. His parents are also university graduates so you know you’re marrying into good genetic stock. Or are you?

James describes himself as a quiet man who loves to draw. He displays some of his masterpieces that were inspired by the mock Hellenic statue that he gazes at.

James has been in two relationships. The first was while still at university but they separated after graduation. The second was a girl at work but they separated because her personality was too strong.

As he explains that he still lives with his parents, he is interrupted by a loud screeching voice. His mother is standing off-camera berating him for saying he still lives at home. She scolds him and tells him he should say his house is being refurbished instead.

The presenter explains that the mother insisted on accompanying James to the show. The mother consents to being interviewed as long as her face isn’t shown on camera so they conduct an interview with her back to the camera.

James’ mother explains that James didn’t want her to come as people would think he’s a Mummy’s Boy. James tried to stop her “but he can’t hold his mother back” laughs Mama White, as James looks on silently.

Mama describes her son as gentle and filial, he always gives her money, but also as a man who can’t make women happy and who doesn’t speak up enough about how great his mother is.

The presenter, sensing some good TV, suggests that James take his mother by the hand and tell her how much he loves her... which he duly does. Mama then says she can’t understand why James is single except maybe because he is too thin-skinned.

James goes to meet a dating expert who proceeds to give him top advice like “ask a girl what she likes”, “ask her what her future plans are” and “ask her about her hobbies”.

It’s time for James to introduce what he wants in a woman. He explains he needs a woman who is aged between 28-34, about 160cm tall, with a warm and kind personality and a dignified appearance. Typical Chinese dating fluff.

Mama has her own ideas on what makes a good woman. She should be a bit soft, respectful of her elders, and needs to be well-educated as her family is really really intellectual - James’ grandfather studied law at Peking Uni and some cousins have studied overseas, don’t you know?

We then meet who the show has lined up for James: 26 year old Xie Qinqin. She seems like a great match - she’s 162cm tall, also earns 8k a month, works as an auditor and describes herself as having a soft personality! Bingo!

All Qinqin wants in return is a soft man who is about 175cm tall, earns at least 8,000 RMB a month and owns a house in Chongqing city. That’s our James! This is it! They’re made for each other!

Yet someone is worried. When Mama White hears that Qinqin is only 26 - a full 9 years younger than James - she worries that the girl is too young for her 35 year old son. She needs James to get married within 6 months but worries the 26 year old may wanna take her time dating.

It’s time for the star-crossed lovers to meet. James and Qinqin shake hands and James tells the camera that he’d rate her as a lofty 9 out of 10 on the Would Bang scale!

It’s time for the first date. James suggests that he draw a picture of Qinqin or sing her a song. Qinqin doesn’t look too happy about this. The presenter suggests they sit down and get to know each other instead.

In one of my favourite parts of the show, James sits down next to Qinqin and addresses her by saying “Hello, Female Guest!” There’s then an awkwardly stilting conversation where he repeats how tall he is and what his salary is.

But then James gives an epic display of his talent by singing Coming Home by Puff Daddy!

Qinqin is fucking creaming!

(On the sidelines, James’ mother continues to observe. She comments that she is still worried that the girl is too young to which the presenter rebuts “Young is good! She can give you many grandchildren!”)

The TV crew notice that James has bought new shoes and trousers for the date - which is nice considering James is such a “saving man”. It seems to be working though as Qinqin awards James a whopping 8 out of 10!

The date continues. James takes Qinqin to one of those grab-the-toy machines but it doesn’t go quite as planned as Qinqin is the one who ends up winning a Teddy for James.

The duo go for hotpot as a reward. It starts off well but there’s a problem...

... Mama White has insisted on joining the table and some wag in the production crew decided to give her a microphone. Neither James nor Qinqin look very happy about this.

She begins embarrassing her silent son by exhorting Qinqin to take good care of him as he is still very childish in his ways and has no resistance in his will. She says “mothers tend to like him as he’s very reliable”. Qinqin’s clam starts to close.

“I’ll take good care of you,” the mother continues as Qinqin looks increasingly terrified. “We are an intellectual family. When I worked all the young girls beneath me in the work unit all respected and liked me.”

On and on she goes. She jabbers on and on about how great she is at singing, dancing and making money. How she knows more than the average person. How she knows many famous people. How talented she is. On and on and on... James can’t get a word in.

Disaster strikes. James cooks the meat in the hotpot for Qinqin and places it in her bowl for her. She tries the meat and recoils in disgust.

The meat is still raw. This sends Qinqin into a spiral of doubt. If James can’t even cook hotpot meat properly, can he even look after himself properly?

Qinqin reveals that she doesn’t even like eating meat, but James and his mother kept stuffing slice after slice of undercooked meat in her rice bowl. She didn’t like it at all.

We are reaching the end of the show. Qinqin shifts around uncomfortably as the presenter explains to James that Qinqin doesn’t consider him independent enough because he doesn’t know how to properly boil meat.

(Obligatory shot of the meat)

The presenter chats with the mother while James broods moodily. She tells the mother that from her point of view James lacks independence and is too smothered by his mother.

Mama replies by saying that if Qinqin isn’t interested then just forget the whole thing. Who needs her?

The presenter tells James everything that has been discussed but James is adamant he wants to go on. He will fight for his love. He has bought a cute hand warmer for Qinqin and will present it to her with an expression of his determination to keep pursuing her.

“Hello, Female Guest!” he says again. “I really enjoyed meeting you today. I would like to give you this hand warmer. Just as this hand warmer can warm your hands, I hope that I can warm your heart.”

It’s the end of the show. The presenter tells them both that they have a choice. Either they can exchange WeChat details and continue getting to know another, or Qinqin can turn away and stop all contact.

Well, what’s it gonna be?

James pulls out his phone...

... and according to the comments, Qinqin turned round and walked away.

James is still living with his mother.

The End.