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I moved to Los Angeles ten years ago today. I never wanted to live here and I thought I’d hate it. And I do sometimes, but this wretched mess of a city is also as close to home as I’ve ever really had.
Okay so funny story, which is about the hardest breakup I ever had and also the most LA thing that’s ever happened to me. I moved here because my boyfriend moved here. Yes, you can see where this is going.
We’d dated for five+ years and we’re still together even though he moved ahead of me, for work reasons. He already had a place and I ended up moving nearish him, figuring we’d just date in LA now. Only it SUCKED. In a way I couldn’t fix. I felt terrible all the time.
No matter what I did, the relationship that I relocated for didn’t work. I took a job I didn’t want for this and moved to a city I thought I hated. But I couldn’t get the relationship to a good place no matter what I did. Eventually, we broke up. It sucked.
I moved to Los Feliz and took a different job, and eventually I went on a date with a new guy. It went pretty okay! And the morning after he posted something on my Facebook wall relating to some dumb thing we’d talked about on the date...
Later this day, I get a text from my ex asking how I know this guy. I tell him we’d gone on a date and he doesn’t answer in a way that gives me any information. But this new guy and I go on a second date, during which I mention how odd it is that we have no friends in common.
And new guy (let’s call him Marvin) says “Actually we do have someone in common, but I wouldn’t say we are friends.” And so I ask who and Marvin says it’s this same ex. And I ask how they know each other, and he says “he’s dating my ex.”
So yeah, I randomly ended up going on a date with the ex of the guy my ex is now dating. Moved across town. Still couldn’t get away from him. LOL. Apparently Marvin and his ex share dogs and so Marvin had met my ex shipping the dogs about.
So I say I didn’t know my ex was dating anyone and Marvin says “oh they’ve been dating a while.” And I’m like “how long?” Marvin: “Two years.” And I’m like “This can’t be because he and I only broke up a few months ago.” (...Yeah.)
Marvin insists they’ve been together for two years, long before I ever moved to LA. He says “They went to France together.” And I’m like “No, he went to France with his family. I remember because he wasn’t around for my 30th birthday.” And then I realize it all makes sense.
The reason the relationship didn’t work is because he’d moved on to someone new and didn’t tell me. And let me move to LA thinking we’d figure our relationship out. But he was fully dating someone else PLUS kinda sorta seeing me (but sucking at it.)
Me: “EXCUSE ME I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.” And I go to the bathroom and have a fake movie moment where I tell my reflection, “Do not let this get to you. You are in a date. Be sad later.” And I glide back to our table and just enjoy the date as much as I can.
So yes, I fucked Marvin that night, for all sorts of reasons. We actually dated for six months. He’s married to a Republican now. And yes, I did call my ex the next day and said “Hey, I know everything. What the fuck is wrong with you?” And he had no answers.
I didn’t talk to my ex basically the extent of the time I dated Marvin, because Marvin hated him. But you know what the weird thing is? I wasn’t that mad. I was actually relieved. All that time I thought I was fucking up my first real long-term relationship. But I wasn’t.
It wasn’t my fault because I’d never been given all the information. So to find out that no, I’m not terrible. I was put in an impossible situation that was not my doing. And that made me feel a lot better about it.
But eventually we met up again and I said “I hate that this happened and you should feel bad, but also I’m not mad and I don’t need to pretend like I am. We have a ton of friends In common and will see each other anyway. Let’s just be grownups.”
I am *fairly* sure me forgiving my ex is what ultimately made Marvin dump me. And my ex broke up with Marvin’s ex too. So all that sitcom setup vibe completely went to waste. But the ex and I still talk, though I’ll never be completely over it. (I am tweeting this, after all.)
If I’m being honest, we should have broken up long before I moved to LA. Neither of us had the balls to make that move. And that much is on both of us. I see that now. However, sitting in the backyard of the house I’ve lived in for the past six years, I have to admit...
Considering the fact that I moved to LA to be with a boyfriend who’d been secretly in a full other relationship for two years, LA actually kinda worked out for me in a way I don’t think many other cities ever would.
I own a business and I’m my own boss and I have a yard and a dog. I have, if I’m being honest, four people I’d call friends in this whole city and a lot of very nice acquaintances. And it gets very lonely living in a city where you’re never the most interesting person in the room
But this is where I am, at least for now and of the sending of this tweet, I’m not currently on fire. That’s something.
