okay so i spent so much of my life having love and never feeling comfortable verbalizing it or expressing it really in fear that the recipient would feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable or not reciprocate or judge me for being weird about it or patronize me for it

and i still feel that way about a lot of people which is why i try not to express it much anymore because the disappointment and discouragement i feel when they don’t respond to it in a similar manner or with similar energy is unbearable and causes me to recede more every time

because even when i appear to be joking because it’s so out of the blue, every time i do, i’m at my most vulnerable and even if the reciprocated energy is an iota under mine i just feel nauseous afterwards and regret saying it and it’ll take me days to bring myself to say it ever

especially when i’m being extremely affectionate but even when it’s a simple “ily :)”

and maybe it’s hypersensitive of me and i need to either get over it or just stop saying it because nothing hurts worse than someone not reciprocating your energy in this case verbally but also in general

so whenever i do get explicitly extremely affectionate it’s usually pent up affection that i haven’t expressed in a while that just spills over and it isn’t me trying to appear cute and sweet and gushy to appeal to the person i talk to

idk this thread is pretty pointless but i felt the need to lay out my own psychology behind this to understand myself better

and i’ve said this before but the one person i rarely feel insecure about expressing it to is @i_like_uvas and again not saying this to be sweet these are just the facts. i can probably count on one hand the number of times i’ve regretted it afterwards. you just understand.

like you get it and you get how much i mean it every time and you acknowledge it and reciprocate. like when i sent the picture of the hershey’s nuggets—i knew you’d just get it

and i’m getting mushy bc it’s late n i’m tired but i know it’s unfair of me to expect this from people and i know i should get over myself but i’m just grateful that i have at least one person i can spam love texts to and receive a spam back

my love doesn’t come easy but that isn’t because i’m not overflowing with it because i am. i have so much that i don’t know what to do with it but i’m scared of wearing my heart on my sleeve in case people will ignore it despite spending days on sewing it on.

it isn’t pretentiousness it’s insecurity and i suppose that being misunderstood as me thinking i’m superior and my love needs to be earned is another insecurity and i suppose that’s what this thread is for.

idk i hate myself kinda wish i’d gotten caught in that tornado today