On expecting things to get "better" for students with disabilities elsewhere and handing them off, a thread (PLZ RT-and please read. Listen. Learn.):

This one is important.

This is actually one I've really struggled to write. I find that the tears tend to well up each time I try. It requires that I be vulnerable about things I don't want people to see. And admitting things I don't want to. But I'm going to try to communicate clearly, so, here goes.

The most profound and gut-wrenching thing students or people with disabilities go through, is starting over. And over, and over, and over. I know, it's hard for everyone. But it's different when you're disabled. And I want to explain why. I guess I hope that if I explain what

Starting over-in a classroom, or a school, or a job, or a lab, means, it will help people not gaslight us so much. Not discard us, like trash.

Wherever we go, we have to start all over with our accommodations. We have to "come out" to people again. Explain why we need alt text

or mobility aids, or why our hands shake. Whatever it is-we have to explain it again. We have to make ourselves vulnerable to people who don't want us in their spaces, and pray that those people don't betray us. And I'm here to tell you that they always do.

And I've gone over the consequences with y'all in other threads. The teasing, the microaggressions. Y'all know about it by now. In my case, it even made me more vulnerable to sexual harassment-and nobody was there to protect me.

But I guess I feel like there's another

consequence-one that stings more. One that leaves you with guilt, and shame, and self-hate. Enough self-hate and loathing to make you want to disappear entirely at times.

The consequence is that disabled people or people with disabilities get to know, irrefutably and

irrevocably, that we aren't worth what our non-disabled peers are.

We are never chosen. And in not being chosen, while watching others get opportunities, get kept, be wanted, over and over, we learn our worth to the non-disabled world-and it isn't much.

Sometimes its praising the coworker that works faster, and sticking you in the back to do something menial. Sometimes it's choosing other students to lead a group, take advantage of an opportunity, or be in your lab spaces. But whatever it is, the implication is the same.

The able student is worth more. Period. And it happens every time for us. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. We will always be discarded, or thrown away, for someone who is able. Like human trash. Each time.

And the individuals that do the discarding are able to

placate, or pacify themselves. They convince themselves like a politician working a swing state that wherever we go next is what's right for us. We can go somewhere else, where we don't have to hide, they reason.

But we will always have to hide. Disabled folks will always have

To hide. Because by not hiding, if we even have a choice, we are put in a position where we aren't wanted. Nobody wants the disabled student. And we get thrown away. And we start over, and we do it all over again.

Being yourself is a luxury I don't have when I step into

A classroom or lab, for example. It's a luxury, because people don't love who I am. Don't love my disabilities. They wish I were different, and wouldn't keep me, choose me, or advocate for me unless I were.

I have to hide who I am in order to be worthy of the same mentoring,

The same spaces, the same things other people get.

It causes a level of resentment, and of pain, that I can scarcely put into words. Who I am is so undesirable, that I have to change the most intimate pieces of my to survive in the world. It is unbearable.

And I want to talk about it.

The first step is fighting for our existence and success in your spaces. Fighting hard.

But that won't happen as long as faculty, or whatever, are able to pass the buck and convince themselves that it will be better for us elsewhere.

The only way life gets easier for us is if we have opportunities to succeed. And that's everyone's responsibility. So I need y'all to stop passing the buck, and to fight for us and make room in your spaces.

Don't tell us were worthy-show us. Show us we belong. Show us you'll fight for us. Show us you want us in your spaces. Make it your responsibility.

And know that until you do, things won't get better.

I hope that this helps people understand how we get left behind, and passed around. How easy it is to convince yourself we aren't your problem until we just sort of fade away.

And I hope you learned why you shouldn't do that, and why it matters if you do.
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